Whenever there’s an immortal in any story they always know a dozen languages and have a ton of varied skills. Just once I want to see a character just squander it the way I would. 900 years old, barely speaks 1 language, binge watching The Office for the 7000th time
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Just said, “Because I said so!,” and my mom called demanding her royalty check.
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Don’t worry if you haven’t disappointed anyone today, I’ve disappointed enough people for both of us.
“Neighbor”- person next door
“Neigh! Brrrr!!” – cold horse 🙁
I’m not high maintenance at all. All I want from a partner is the understanding that I need to feel worshipped whilst also being mostly left alone.
*deletes my ex’s phone number*
k, weigh me now.
If video games were truly to blame for violent acts drive by turtle flinging would be at an all time high.
As soon as they heard the flush, my phone interview took a drastic turn.
Her: I have a funeral to go to but I don’t have a date yet.
Me: Aw, you can’t go alone?
She meant the date of the funeral.
I know that now
So we have to sing happy birthday when we wash our hands but what key though WHAT KEY
5 year old: Mommy, did you get that kind of turkey I like at the store?
Me: Ham? Yes
Me: Time for bed
7: But can we watch Back to the Future?
Me: No
7: Empire Strikes Back?
Me: No
7: Karate Kid?
Me: I see what you’re doing and I respect it but the answer’s still no
Those who run away from me are afraid that they might confess their love to me.
Had a customer in tonight moaning that the tyre pressure machine was free but now we charge 50p.
I shrugged and said “that’s inflation” and he didn’t even laugh why do I even bother?
If your new boyfriend carved your initials into a tree on your first date, let the fact he brought a knife be a sign of things to come.
A web shooter like Spiderman would have so many uses, like I could grab the chips without leaving the couch.
the fossil record doesn’t preserve skin so there’s no proof dinosaurs didn’t have tattoos
My kids are teenagers, and I’ve found the same thing fixes their bad moods as when they were toddlers: a snack and a nap.
This gum has my stomach convinced food is coming.
In high school, I was voted Most Likely To Keep Bringing Up Past Achievements.
Nice that I’ll hear “Just a little prick” today because I’m giving blood samples and not from some random person replying to my tweets for once.
my son needs help with his math project so i did what any good parent would do. i slipped out the back door and started a new life in costa rica
It’s interesting growing up and learning that most adults are not smart. I had my suspicions as a kid but I didn’t think the situation was this dire.
My MIL told my (Canadian) kids to pick something she can send them from Target. Without hesitation my 6yo asked if Target sells diamonds. My work here is done.
* Guy at board meeting pitching the idea for a Roomba
You ever notice how sometimes you’re too drunk to vacuum ?
Doctor: [puts my arm in a sling]
Me: wait—
Doctor: [fires my arm out the window]
Me: wtf
Doctor: [shouting out the window] next time it’s a leg STAY OUT OF MY PARKING SPACE
just thinking about how I had a convo with a dude who said he thinks he’s allergic to almonds bc they make his tongue itch but chocolate is a good anti-inflammatory because his tongue doesn’t itch when it’s chocolate covered almonds…
Corona has showed me that if we had a zombie virus outbreak, we’d all be zombies within 2 weeks.
2020: Tidepods ‘the sequel’
We had 3 kids, I don’t remember their names and they somehow find us even after we move