🎶Well you can tell by the way I clumsy walk
I’m an awkward girl, don’t wanna talk
Mumble sounds, eyes look down
I’ve been trippin ’round since I was born
And it’s all right, it’s okay
Please just look the other way
🎶
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diet tip: eat all your meals in front of a industrial fan
respond to every april fools joke by staring the person directly in the eye and saying “yes, that truly was a fool’s joke”
I’ve deleted enough tweets to know that I should never get a tattoo.
free space program idea: when you bring a spaceship back to earth land it on a huge seesaw and launch another ship off the other side
Catholic mass is just Catholic force divided by Catholic acceleration
Cop: *with my license* says here you’re supposed to wear glasses
Me: I have contacts
Cop: I don’t care who you know, put your glasses on
Patient: Doc, my stomach is killing me.
DR DOG: *scratches chin* Have you tried eating grass?
The car you buy should say something about you, and not just ramble on about itself like you’re not even there.
Reading is a gateway drug to being less stupid.
due to unforeseen circumstances i just quit my job as a psychic
Me: Okay 2 it’s time for bed
2: NO! Mommy go to bed
Me: Okay*goes to bed
*first day as a pilot*
Me: sıɥʇ ʇɐ pɐq ɯɐ I ou ɥo
Natty or not?
Friend “Listen to this. I had wine delivered the other night and I ended up having sex with the delivery guy”
Me “There’s WINE delivery?”
We don’t have any sports this weekend. Everyone can sleep in.
The cat: Bet
Giraffe: That’s the most disgusting thing I’ve ever seen!
[5 min later]
*vomits*
What if UFO’s are just Jeff Bezos type guys from other galaxies?
flight attendant: please put all devices in airplane mode
optimus prime: i can only do “truck”
2 things I hate;
1)Hypocrites
2)and people who don’t finish anyth
My daughter asked me this morning
if this year for Halloween
instead of a mermaid
she could be a wet ghost.Um, a what now?!
This child was talking about a damn JELLYFISH
I didn’t come here to be called names
professor x: whats your superpower?
ostrich: i lay big egg
professor x [telepathically to x-men]: i can save us money on breakfast
ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale
me after eating Cheetos
If you’re reading this, congratulations on not being raptured. Im glad you’re still here.
[in bed]
“No, I’m serious Amy. If this were a buddy cop movie would you try to avenge my murder even after the Chief took your gun & badge?”
Wild falcons live to be about 13, so all the falcons in the wild today were born in the 21st century.
They’re millennial falcons.
*zips up tent*
[Wife]: What happened
[Me,scratched up & clothes ripped]: I was uh..
*flashback to me being chased by a bee* wrestling a bear
‘Escalator’ is what He-Man’s enemy is called in Spain.
Neighbor asked me over for coffee and said ‘make yourself comfortable’, so I did, I went home.
Some fancy kids just egged my house with quail eggs. I went out to yell, and one of them garnished me with chives.