Inflatable mattresses are great if you like your bed to slowly eat you.
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Me: Can’t wait to sit on my front porch with my black cat and frighten children.
Coworker: I love Halloween.
Me: I meant after work today.
Monday morning looks like Jack Nicholson breaking through the door in The Shining.
Nobody runs faster than a 4 year old holding your iPhone.
Of course I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand crows.
Are kids ever okay at all?😂
Had salad for the third night in a row and now I get why you’re so angry, vegans
*drops an avocado in the offering basket at church*
“I” before “E”, except after “C”. That’s an efficient rule. Very efficient. Yep…efficient.
Me: I think you’re going to be sick tonight.
My 9yo: *eating their fifth dinner* Why do you think that?
Why put it in my calendar when I can just wait until someone texts me “Where the hell are you?”
Banderslack Clamberdorch
1st toddler: Here is a book you can look at.
2nd toddler: Here is a toy you can play with.
3rd toddler: Here is something you can break.
[rock climbing]
me: *out of breath*
Dwayne Johnson: ok get off me
I’m from Texas, where “Let me call you right back” means enjoy the rest of your day.
I had a dream I killed someone, and all I did was panic about being caught…and cry.
Now I know I’d be a terrible murderer.
say whatever you want about twitter, at least it’s keeping you people off the streets
me: never meet your heroes
also me: hello cincinnati zoo?
yes fiona the hippo please
Make sure you lock your car doors so no one steals your half empty water bottles.
20s: lol
30s: omg
40s: wtf
[Wedding day]
Bride: *coming down the aisle* WTF? You’re wearing the same dress as me!?!?
Me: Well THIS is awkward
Priest: *in same dress* Ok. One of us has to change
It’s so unfair how the houses on HGTV get remodeled in 30-60 minutes, but my house is taking 2-3 months.
Mom, can I have another piece of pecan pie?
“You mean MAY, not CAN”
Ok, mom can I have another piece of pemay pie?
I asked a barista why they were wearing a surgical mask.
they answered: It’s not a surgical mask, it’s a coughy filter
“Every child’s a gift.”
“Your ‘gift’ is eating his own boogers right now.”
“…”
“I hope you saved the receipt.”
Noah build an ark
“what? why”
I’m gunna flood the earth
“just give me fish powers”
[jealous he didn’t think of that] JUST DO WHAT I SAY!
*queen points out window*
“what’s that flashing out the window?”
“Lightning, My Queen”
*car busts thru window*
DID I HEAR LIGHTNING McQUEEN
Dream inside a dream
– inceptionInn inside an inn
– innceptionRe: Re:
– receptionRe: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re:
– email from your gran
You ever just look at your spouse and KNOW they’re the one you want to fall asleep really soon so you don’t have to share your pizza rolls with?
“I might pop down later” – Translation: You’ve more chance of seeing a dancing hippo than you have of seeing me later