5 easy ways to make money as a writer:
• Sell your blood
• Return cans and bottles
• Shoplift and re-sell items from a cart
• Learn to play guitar and busk
• Pawn your laptop
You Might Also Like
Oh well….there’s always tomorrow!
#hopespringseternal
anyone know what happened at the 2nd noel?
ME: Ed is coming over
WIFE: Ed who always talks about marathons or Ed who just blurts out country names?
ED: Iran
ME: I’m not sure
Hear me out….
A pub crawl, but to bakeries.
“Hello from the outsiiiiide. I must have called a thousand tiiiiimes”
– me, drunk, leaving my wife another voicemail because I’m locked out
I just filled up my gas tank and went to a movie and bought a large soda and popcorn, I spent roughly 7000 dollars.
wonder why hedge mazes fell out of fashion? we need to get to the centre of this issue.
Owen Wilson being held upside down by his ankles: MOM
Got drunk and did my taxes, i am getting back 1 zillion dollars, 2 slaves, and somehow the state of Rhode Island, this can’t be right.
COP: do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: *hands him a puppy and drives off*
[3 years later]
COP *walking his dog*: wait a second…
finished mowing the grass, thus solving the problem once and for all
Kristen Stewart seems like one of those missing milk carton kids who was raised by their kidnapper.
When someone reads your message, then never responds, it’s just hurtful.
I mean, what else could they possibly have going on at 3 AM?
Kid: Hey Mom.
Me: I’m asleep.
Kid: Where is the switch to the garbage disposal?
Me: I’M AWAKE.
Imagine Dragons.
No. Dragoner.
I’d change my name to laundry if it meant you’d think about doing me every day.
I tell people “I’m here to raise awareness” because I successfully spliced a werewolf and the lochness monster.
there are rumors. that someone came down the chimney last night. this is preposterous. i would have lost my mind
I’m not leaving a will. My final act will be giving my family one more thing to fight about.
FRIEND: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety
INTERNET: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety
DOCTORS: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety
ME: [trapped & unable to escape from a weighted blanket] Well, I do feel anxious
Ted Cruz continues to be a trailblazer as he becomes the first Hispanic person to flee FROM Texas TO Mexico because of ICE
interviewer: why’d u quit ur last job
me: the company moved
interviewer: where to
me: they didn’t tell me
Whenever I’m worried I messed up with my wife I remember that time my brother gave an anniversary card to his current wife on the date of his first marriage
petitioning to change the phrase “gas mileage” to “dinosaur cremation efficiency”
My family wants to start exercising more so now I have to jog to another town and find a new family
Just cleaned* the fridge and pantry like the hero my family deserves.
*ate all the cheese and cookies
Travel experts recommend carrying a second dummy wallet when visiting high crime areas, but I carry a third wallet as well. If a mugger approaches I start an elaborate game of 3-card Monte. “Where’s the money?” I ask. “Wrong!” There is none, I’m broke from buying a third wallet.
I’m like a semicolon; most people don’t know what to do with me.
All is fair in drunk and war.