I’m not saying I’m an idiot…
But if some village comes looking…tell them you never saw me.
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[Scientific Conference]
Scientist 1: So science?
Scientist 2: *nodding* Science.
Kanye West Presents:
KANYE ON BROADWAY
Featuring:
“Papa, Kanye Hear Me?”
“Kanye Feel the Love Tonight”
“I Am a Few of My Favorite Things”
Time is said to be a great healer, which is presumably why the waiting lists are so long.
[fancy restaurant]
wife: [leans over, whispers in my ear] I’m not wearing any panties
me: [whispering back] is that sanitary
*joins Buddhist monastery*
*withstands 21 years of brutal kung-fu training*
So, vending machine that didn’t drop my funyuns. We meet again.
[45 minutes after seeing someone fall down the stairs]
You OK?
Wife: Don’t use that Band-Aid. It’s expired.
Me: How can a Band-Aid possibly go bad?
*puts on Band-Aid*
*bursts into flames*
Judge: You ran over him
Me: It was an accident
Judge: Then you backed up over him
Me: To see if he was ok
(job interview)
HR: And one of the many benefits we offer is a free gym membership. We really push healthy living.
Me: *stands up and leaves*
“I’ve never had a reason to see a therapist”
– People who haven’t met me yet
*In Hospital*
Me: So nurse, when are you giving me my sponge bath? *slow wink*
Nurse: Right after I administer your enema you didn’t need until just now. *slower wink, snaps gloves*
My 5yo son at a cookout, “Where are the scrambled eggs?”
Yes little lemonade stand girl, I do want change from that twenty dollar bill.
Daycare lady: *notices 3-year-old’s shirt is on backward* It’s cute how you let her dress herself.
Me: Yes. She did that.
[sex]
GF: u bring protection?
ME: ya [i show a gun]
GF: not what I meant
ME: I kno, I have a fox guarding us. The gun is for if it wigs out
2015: This is our son, Aiden.
2016: This is our son, Lemonaiden.
me: i swear officer, i can even say the alphabet backwards
cop: not really relevant to this murder investigation but ok
I didn’t think it was possible to travel 10 years back in time until I got into an argument with my wife.
Wife: [eyes me suspiciously] have you been using my shampoo and conditioner again?
Me: [brushing my volumized, shiny, tangle-free, plumeria & jasmine smelling hair] no.
People don’t disappear in the Bermuda Triangle like they used to.
Has anyone tried switching it off and back on again?
[interrupts Pink Floyd]
“Actually, it’s AN education”
Last night,my friend changed all my contacts in my phone.I’ve been texted by Batman Donatello,Hermione Granger.I have no idea who they are.
Did you know that nuns have to eat a banana with a knife and fork?
Moms 2007: I don’t know why you text LOL when you aren’t literally laughing
Moms 2017: Cry face emoji, clapping hands, three monkeys
House for sale. Spider on ceiling.
Every day I ask myself deep existential questions like, “If I were me, where would I park the car?”
Before you get paranoid about the lack of people interacting with you on twitter, remember Jesus only had 12 followers in his day, and look at him now.
Wife is angry because “somebody” dripped grape jelly onto the dog’s head.
It feels very accusatory.
[dinner table]
SHARK: i got the promotion
SHARK WIFE: are you lead sharkitect now?
SHARK: *pushes plate away* my career isn’t a joke, Sharon
love when my grandparents tell me the story of how they met and got together because suddenly I find myself googling things like “statute of limitations India” “how to report a crime from 1942” “can I report a crime in India if I live in America”.