I called the fire dept to get my cat out of a tree and they said they don’t do that so I told them them he had a lighter.
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me: I’m unable to stop making jokes
doctor: you can’t be serious
me: that’s right
I was 15 minutes into destroying a plate full of ribs before I even noticed my date had left.
friend: our baby was a surprise
me: *aware that pregnancy lasts for nine months* … how
Who needs human contact when you can just cuddle a pile of clothes fresh out of the dryer
one time I was in the hospital elevator with a resident and then the elevator got stuck and I was like “omg we are going to die” and she was like “omg YES I needed this today” and sat down and started eating a granola bar
Guys, I gotta run. I left the fire place video streaming.
My girlfriend’s daughter was laying across my legs.
Me: What am I a pillow now?
Her: Yep, and pillows don’t talk.
I think we’re bonding.
FRIEND: ready to go body surfing?
ME: [unstrapping a corpse from my car roof] let’s do it
“Did you get my text?”
Option 1: No? When did you send it?
2: I was just about to reply
3: Yes, I thought I replied?
4: I typed a reply but didn’t press send
5: I lost all my numbers and didn’t know who it was
6: My phone’s been weird today
7: Yes, need to talk to you about that
I used to get bullied online.
Until one day I walked up to the biggest computer in Best Buy and beat the shit out of it.
who called them sea lions and not soggy doggies
what are they serving at kfc then???
[first day as marriage counselor]
HER: we’re trying to have a baby
ME: ok I’ll step outside
The great thing about being a man who is entirely secure in his identity is that I always have enough pockets to carry spare kittens.
Sometimes I feel like people on Facebook share things as a way of saying “Here’s this horrible story I saw today. I hope it makes you feel like shit also.”
Closing time, son
“Huh?”
You don’t have to go home but you can’t stay here
“But I live here Dad”
*Dad stares at me*
Don’t forget your Xbox
Cop: [knocks]
Dinosaur: can I help you?
Cop: we’ve had reports of small arms fire
[Flaming T-Rex runs past screaming]
I wanted to have sex with Uma Thurman until I saw her toes in Kill Bill.
Doing the New York Times crossword puzzle in pen means you’re smart unless you’re doing it on an iPad.
My daughter just told me she likes a boy, so I sent him 12 pictures of my gun collection…being a dad is awesome.
Friends are like snowflakes.
If you pee on them they disappear.
marriage counsellor: so what’s the problem?
me: i don’t know
my ‘friend’: i’m tired of you trying to keep our marriage a secret
Joseph: 3 minutes BC
Mary: Aaarghhhhhh
Joseph: 2 minutes BC
Mary: STOP DOING THAAARGGHHH THE BABY’S COMING!
Joseph: 1 minute BC
Mary: JESUS CHRIST
Hormonal teenage daughter: Where do you want to be buried?
Me: You mean after I die, right?
forget tagging friends, i want to be able to tag my enemies
My obituary will say “He always found himself being lured into uncomfortable social situations by the promise of food”.
oh, you’re a Methodist?
name all the methods
Me: Time for school.
5-year-old: But we had three days off.
Me: So?
5: I can’t go back. I forgot everything.
Teachers don’t get paid enough.
Joel Osteen wouldn’t open his megachurch to flood victims. Let’s not jump to conclusions. Maybe he has two of every kind of animal in there.