I’m not waiting until I’m a ghost to tell people ‘get out of my house’ in a creepy voice
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Cough drops are perfect for when you want the cough you’ve had for three days to stop for 60 seconds and then come right back.
“I wasn’t born yesterday.”
-hilarious talking baby
Loan officer: And what is the purpose of your loan, Sir?
Me: Whole Foods. I shop at Whole Foods.
I made a barista at Starbucks cry when I put my name down as “Dad” and he just stood there calling it over and over
Mosquitoes use a numbing agent so we feel no pain from their bites. This is one easy way to tell if you were bitten by a mosquito or a shark
Cop:Do you know why I pulled you over Miss?
Me:[takes a quick suck off helium balloon] No officer why?
Cop:Lol, nevermind
So many flashing lights and alarms on the new refrigerator. I think it might be a first responder.
The floor after my kids eat one granola bar
Dammit, phone. It’s always been ‘this’ and never ‘thus.’ I’ve got clumsy sausage fingers, not a conclusion to my dissertation.
Oh, you carry a pack of cigarettes rolled up in your T-shirt sleeve..? That’s how I carry my mini babybel.
[tries to eject CD 5 mins into space mission]
Houston we have a problem
I KNOW U CHEATED W/MY WIFE TOM ENJOY 12 YRS OF SMASH MOUTH U PRICK
Me: I’m worried that the romance has gone out of our marriage
Hub: Bet I can change your mind during the next commercial break
Take a look at trending topics and you’ll realize why they have to write “do not eat” on dry silica packets.
( 12pm. )
Friends: Want to go grab some lunch?
Me: Nah, I’m on a diet.
( 12am )
Me:
I can’t wait for Halloween so that I can walk around with a bloody carving knife without being questioned.
hello secretary? i need you to go to that website where you can combine pokemon and combine mew and squirtle, print it out and bring it here
ME: (throwing my car keys to the valet) Run me over real quick, chief.
Mankind has made a lot of mistakes, some of them truly monstrous. The Holocaust. Slavery. Calling it a “corn maze” and not a “maize maze.”
I’ve been married to my husband for 16 years and just learned he doesn’t like ice cream cones. What in the hell have we been talking about all this time?
Do you think it’s weird that the only reason we still have landlines is so cops in movies can wake each other up in the middle of night?
Don’t tell me I look tired unless you’re offering to carry me
Benoit Blanc: So this baloney of yours, does it have a first name? Could you be so kind as to spell it?
*pronounces injury like lingerie*
There’s a mom at the school pickup with a shirt that says “I don’t always whoomp, but when I do, there it is.” I think I love her
[does ten push ups] I am a weapon
When friends or family ask me if I’m going to have another baby, I just gesture at the chaos of my life and yell, “ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?”
Grandpa: “I was at Normandy.”
Dad: “I was at the Battle of Khe Sanh.”
Me: “I once went to Kohl’s on Christmas Eve.”
Everyone: *gasps*
“C’mon man, just as far as Cincinnati. I got a cousin there.”
If it says “typing” for more then 2 minutes… you’re gonna have a bad time.