[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Her: I’m a stay at home mom
Me: *leans in close* then what are you doing outside of that house
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[Sirens]
Dude open the door!*barricading* How do i know you’re not 1 of them?! Were you bit?!
What?! Do you not know what a hurricane is?
When someone reads your message, then never responds, it’s just hurtful.
I mean, what else could they possibly have going on at 3 AM?
My roommate thinks our house is haunted but in the 182 years I’ve lived here I’ve not encountered any problems 🤷🏻♀️
GUY WHO INVENTED CELEBRATING BIRTHDAYS: *is born* Ok wow like what an accomplishment
MOTHER: For me?
GUY: N- HELL no. For me. Please shut up
You don’t know what real fear is, until you’ve been cornered by a Mariachi band playing a rendition of Hotel California.
Now that the sleep paralysis demon is trapped in my head, he’s starting to rethink his decisions
[Wife walks in wearing nothing but whipped cream]
Oh my god, Linda, it’s like you’ve never even heard of ants.
If my ex had an autobiography it would be called “Mein Cramps”
What, did you NOT SEE that one coming?
Dad used to remind us kids to check for copperheads hidden in the woodpile. Of less concern was giving an ax to a 10-year-old.
[pet store]
Me: your parrot called me a cracker.
Manager: maybe he was asking..
[from the back] TALK YOUR SHIT WHITE BOY *parrot whistle*
CURRENT MOOD: righteously angry, but there’s a cat on my lap
Semicolons are like a weekend home from jail; they’re a small break between two shorter but related sentences.
If you’ve seen one shopping centre, you’ve seen a mall.
*rage dresses
*rage stomps down stairs
*rage closes neighbors banging garbage can lid flapping in wind
*rage stomps upstairs
*rage undresses
Someone accused me of spending too much time on the Internet. I don’t know what to say. I am so full of emoticons right now.
Had chicken and egg for dinner because I wanted to eat the whole family.
Forever Alone Barbie: Comes with 20 cats, and a Twitter account. Alcoholism and debilitating depression not included.
I hate when you go to a funeral and another guy is wearing the same hot dog costume
Every new rapture I remember the guy I knew whose parents announced during their weekly family dinner that since he was obviously not getting raptured he could have the house.
A cabbage a day keeps people away.
If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”
ME: My favorite was always Raphael, but I liked Donatello a lot too
DATE: Aww so you were a big fan as a kid?
ME *pulling my credit card from my Ninja Turtles wallet*: Hmm?
People say “loose lips sink ships”. But history would confirm it’s definitely icebergs
Every person you come across in life has their own story, so be careful or they’ll start telling it to you
The more dinner parties you host for your family of porcelain dolls, the more real their laughter and conversations become…but they still won’t pick you up at the airport.
That awkward moment when your date says she has a hair piece but later you find out she was saying herpes.
Getting to know someone is a lot like making toast; don’t do it in the bathtub.
Men in suits look really weird standing on the grass. Go back to the concrete buddy
[shark tank]
ME: my idea is a length of leather with the entire bible text etched onto it—I call it the saving strap
HOST: have you considered the bible belt
ME: yes we predict good sales there
Me: Will you please just SHUT UP!
Brain: Well damn, don’t come running to me when you forget how to spell CAT.