At what point is a salad no longer a salad based on how much bacon I add?
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[phone rings]
Me: Hello?
My neighbor Ron: MY FAMILY WILL BE HERE IN TEN MINUTES AND I TOLD THEM I WAS RICH SO YOU HAVE TO GET OVER HERE AND PRETEND TO BE “PENNINGTON BUTTERFORD” MY LOYAL MANSERVANT AND OF COURSE YOU’LL HAVE TO COOK DINNER MY MOTHER LOVES ROAST PHEASANT GO GO GO
Friend: You need help?
Me: I need to write a couple letters.
Friend: OK
Me: Not those.
Now whenever a kid draws a Rectangle they have to pay Apple a dollar.
I have two years left on my looks. Four if I work out.
So 2 years.
me: I’m going to the store to get bread
wife: if they have eggs, buy a dozen
[later]
wife: did they have eggs?
me: *carrying 12 loaves of bread* yes
[on unemployment]
WIFE: So what’d you do all day?
[the dog walks by dressed as a spider]
ME: Looked for a job
She’s dating the both of us bro. You’re my boyfriend-in-law.
~every 18 year old.
Calories are way less frightening if you think of them as points and you’re going for a high score.
Today I cleared cache and deleted cookies without making nom nom nom cookie monster noises. Because I’m a grown up.
Jk. SNACK TIME! NOM NOM NOM
The movie ”Finding Nemo” would’ve lasted only 5 minutes if his mother would’ve looked for him.
Don’t worry, you’re not the first person to misinterpret my flirting as food poisoning
[blind date]
JEFF BEZOS: I brought you flowers
HER: Oh thanks. That’s very sweet
JEFF BEZOS: I see you’ve liked flowers. Perhaps you’d like these other flowers
[bar]
HER: wanna get outta here? *winks*
ME: hell ya
HER: whatya thinkin?
ME: lets go to my place and arm wrestle
HER: what?
ME: u scared?
Keep your friend’s clothes in your enemy’s toaster.
2010: Didn’t jog
2011: Didn’t jog
2012: Didn’t jog
2013: Didn’t jog
2014: Haven’t jogged~ This is a running joke
[waking up in an amniotic pod realizing I am a human battery powering the Machines]:
lol this is so Capricorn.
“It’s ok to double dip if you eat the whole bowl of chips & salsa by yourself!”
I shout as I swat my date’s hand away
“Blind dates are fun!”
Me: I DON’T HAVE TO TAKE THIS FROM YOU!
Nurse: It’s customary to hold your newborn, sir
A lady told me that Autism is punishment for the sins of the parent.
That is the story of me punching a lady in a church parking lot.
Early morning work meeting, boss kept telling us to “lean in”
I leaned in so much, I fell asleep at my desk.
“Is that a banana in your pocket or…a dead banana?” -Schrödinger
scientist: what do u know about atoms
me: very little
The glittery vampire from Twilight is putting out an album.
In other news, real musicians continue to play for coins in the subway.
Cinderella: [changing clothes after the wedding, removes one shoe]
Prince Charming: omg babe where did you go
[sexting]
Her: Are you naked?
Me (taking a shit): Yes
My neighbors are having a terrible fight in the front yard. I mean hanging Christmas lights. Same.
if your body is a temple then mine is a haunted house on Scooby Doo
Oh eggs, through yonder window break. For I am the olive oil, and Juliet is the vinegar. Salt to taste. Blend to desired thickness
– Romayo and Juliet
My high school girlfriend got “uses her kids as her facebook profile picture” fat.