What’s going on? Why does the internet keep showing me videos of people chopping wood? Did I check a box for wood chopping somewhere?
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I don’t delete my bad tweets because why should I suffer alone.
Once in a while I post a subtweet. I hope you’re reading this Susan. I want my Gameboy back. Bitch.
[dragging bathtub into the kitchen]
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Toaster cord is too short.
Hi, Id like to buy a Nutri-Bullet, pls.
Salesperson: Ah, nice. Off on a cleanse or health kick?
Yes. *imagines drinking lasagna* For sure.
I’m always two drinks away from digging up my backyard to look for dinosaur bones
[Beautiful woman doing bench press at the gym]
HER: four… five… *struggling* a little help please
ME: six
Stupid dryer didn’t work just because I “didn’t turn it on”
Nothing worse than talking to a person with a large amount of spit in their mouth that talks really fast. HOLY SHIT…My glasses r ruined
My spanish class in high school should have had a bit less
“Where is the bathroom”
and a bit more
“She was dead when we got here”.
Some of us just had a bee in our shirt and we weren’t actually KungFu fighting.
If elected mayor, I promise to put a giant, ship-crushing squid in every sea.
Disney couldn’t handle my awesome script.
Kylo Ren was Rey’s father.
Finn was her brother.
Chewbacca was her cousin twice removed.
When it’s ok to bother me before my morning coffee:
1- I’m on fire
2- You’re on fire
3- The coffee maker is on fire
4- Something had frickin’ well better be on fire
I don’t know a single person who is age 40 who was born in 2000.
If necessary, pouring pickle juice into the coffee maker makes a house uninviting to 99% of house guests.
WEBMD: Enter symptoms
Me: cold chills, squishy brain, stinging skin
WEBMD: You are a jellyfish
Realizing I’m at the age that ppl say “he started at age ___ and still became a success”
Tonight we’re gonna party like its 1999.
No seriously, Greg’s been in a coma for 14 years. We’ll tell him that shit tomorrow night though.
Cop: Do you know why I stopped you?
Me: *just ran a stop sign* Yes
Police radio: All units be advised: Dangerous suspect at large with the ability to read minds
Cop: *unsheathing his baton* Well well well
NURSE: She’s in a coma. She’s been on hungerstrike
[boyfriend walks in with just enough chips for himself]
PATIENT: *Opens one eye*
People moaning about the weather at least it’s not snowing. Imagine shovelling snow in this heat.
My family doctor says “you really need to lose weight,” and my witch doctor says “moh ki kaa raa.” I think I’ll just moh ki kaa raa tbh.
The scariest moment in the world is when a 3yo looks at you and says CLOSE YOUR EYES AND OPEN YOUR MOUTH
Someone pointed out that there are 4 faces carved in the side of this mountain and now I can’t unsee it
You: Nothing more patriotic than fireworks on the 4th of July.
Your dog: OMG! KIM JONG-UN IS UNLEASHING THE FULL POWER OF HIS NUCLEAR STOCKPILE. THIS IS NOT A DRILL! REPEAT: NOT. A. DRILL.
yeah but what if it 𝗶𝘀 your fault that you got the grocery cart with the bad wheel? what if maybe the cart just doesn’t like 𝘆𝗼𝘂
Every Scooby Doo episode would literally be 2 minutes long if the gang went to the mask store 1st & asked a few questions.
Never trust a fireworks dealer that has all 10 fingers
So we’ve been saving this hour for four months and we’re going to squander it all in one night?
I tell ya, government spending is out of control.