I wrote a haiku about mansplaining for the Thursday contest and my husband offered to “look at it and make sure it fit the 5-7-5 format.”
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Auto correct changed “Help” desk to “Hell” desk and man, it got that right.
Two squirrels in the backyard. But they are not playing together. Wonder if there’s history.
How to get your kids to stop coming with you to Target:
Son: Mom, can you buy this for me?
Me: I’m not your Mom.
Son: Mom, stop.
Me: Let’s go find your Mom.
Son: MOM, STOP!
Me: SECURITY!
My alarm went off and I pressed the Sneeze button instead of the Snooze button. Gonna be a long nine minutes
If I had to describe this trip to the mall, it’d be Blood Bath & Beyond.
Me, before kids: *sees loaf of bread in middle of kitchen floor* That’s odd, I’ll pick that right up.
Me, with kids: *sees loaf of bread in middle of kitchen floor* Oh, I see it’s Tuesday.
Your brain needs exercise just as much as your body does
That’s why I think of running everyday
WELL OFFICER IF YOU DIDN’T WANT TO SEE ME MASTURBATING YOU SHOULDN’T HAVE PULLED ME OVER
I’m never sure what to do with my eyes when I’m at the dentist. Do I close them? Do I stare at his face? Do I look at the ceiling?
BANK ROBBER: ok hands in the air. nobody move. slide to the left. slide to the right. take it back now y’all. one hop this time
Decided not to waste $300 on obedience training after watching my dog bark at a shovel on the patio for 10 minutes.
Red meat isn’t bad for you. Fuzzy, green meat is what you want to avoid.
All I’m saying is if paper beats rock why are rocks used as paperweights?
What kind of adapter do I need for this outlet?
“What if a third team came and attacked these two teams?” – my daughter, not understanding football/making football more awesome
It’s important to set an alarm the first day of school, so you remember to pick up the kids
I seriously hate it when a couple starts having an argument in front of you.
They could have least waited until I got dressed and left.
Someone tweeted today that they were “29-ish” and I didn’t know you could “ish” 15 years.
On Monday I have appointments at the psychologist and the gynecologist and if it was the 1800s that would be the same thing
living in a small apartment and not being able to find something is so embarrassing. like there’s three square feet in here what do you mean you cant find it
“I decided I wanted to be a ninja so I googled “Ninja School”, followed the link and the page could not be found. Well played, Ninja School”
Bank Teller: Ma’am, this is a regular bank, not a blood bank. Please stop trying to give me your blood
Me: Oh this isn’t mine
Me: Look, even if you could breathe underwater, no one wants to be Aquaman.
4yo: Who’s Aquaman?
Me: EXACTLY!
Why can’t I be rubied or diamonded. NOOO. I had to be jaded.
me: this haunted house is so scary
wife:
me: look at all the spooky witches
wife: we are in a house of mirrors
me: oh no they seem mad
*Spends the first 7 minutes of my job interview carefully tearing off the perforated edge of my spiral notebook resume*
… and another thing, who’s responsible for non-virgin olive oil?
When I was a child I spake as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child but when I became a man I put away none of those things
[at work]
Carl, did you get naked when you used the bathroom?
*standing there with his shirt & pants on backwards*
“No…why do you ask?”
ME: *shows girl my bedroom* This is where the magic happens.
HER: There’s not even a bed in here.
ME: Are you sure? *pulls a bed out from behind her ear*
HER: Holy shit!