Forgive me father for I have sinned, it’s been 25 yrs since my last confession, I sure hope you’re seated comfortably.
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The library is always busy; it’s fully booked.
Hockey is more enjoyable if you pretend they’re fighting over the world’s last Oreo.
Me: we can stay at the playground a little longer
3: for forever?! Yay!!
Me: for five more minutes
3: *bursts into tears*
[dies, meets god]
explain Florida
My dog loves going for hikes but I carry him for most of it because his feet get cold so I guess technically he likes being carried around in a winter forest setting.
*heist at the louvre*
Me: *jiggling handle* crap it’s locked
Me: I need to know where you are at all times. If you go somewhere new, text me. Understand?
Taco truck driver: Okay.
hypnotist: next time you smoke, youll taste something disgusting
me: disgusting as in gross or as in morally wrong
hypnotist: idk whatever
[later]
me: *spitting out cigarette* insulin costs HOW much
I give such good nudes that nobody ever needs to ask me for a second one.
Throwing away expired eggs like some sort of millionaire
[sneeze one]
Bless you
[sneeze two]
Bless you
[sneeze three]
You are under arrest
I act really tough for a person who spent $40 on cookies I dont like because a girl scout was crying
My politics are simple: one day I will be eaten by a gigantic worm. And anyone who tries to stop that from happening is my enemy
ME: what is an IV for
ROMAN: yes
Cop: You been drinking?
Me: No.
Cop: Say the alphabet backwards.
Me: Alphabet the.
Cop: Hilarious. Say each letter.
Me: Each letter.
As meltdowns go I think this one is pretty mild. Oh and by the way, the fact that nobody has offered me drugs yet is pretty disappointing.
Boss to our group: “Let’s talk about what inspires you. Mike, you go first.”
Me: *Goes home*
An octopus can get so stressed
out – it will actually eat itself.Octopuses call that “leg day.”
I only sleep with people who make me laugh.
Luckily, I find myself hilarious.
I like extremes. I want a nerd, but he’s gotta be an extreme nerd. Like I don’t even want to understand what he’s talking about.
The evil clown mannequin I put in my window must be working because no one has ever broken in. Or visited me.
think my Uber driver is flirting w/ me
Someone in the office keeps making decaf coffee & I’ve narrowed it down to that guy who never gets anything done.
Husband: *leaves to run an errand*
Me: *crosses out “get husband to leave” off to-do list*
Give a man a six pack and he’ll drink for a day.
Give him a 24 pack and he’ll drink for a day.
I’ve got a neighbor who’s really into morons. I should introduce her to you guys.
lawyer: hey can you fax that over to me?
Me: sorry we don’t do fax where I am
lawyer: where are you?
me: 2018
I went to bed last night and my brother came out of the closet and scared the shit out of me, I forgot we were playing hide and seek…
If the kids can eat chocolate eggs for breakfast, that means I can have Bailey’s in my coffee, right?
I wore a beanie hat in public and people kept trying to buy drugs from me. I made $1200 but now I’m out of breath mints.