Kid: Where do babies come from?
Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.
Kid: What happened to the rest of my fries?
Me: When a man and a woman…
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my daughter: dad I want you to meet my new boyfriend
me, modern and woke: okay great
my daughter: he’s a bee
me: *clenching my jaw* okay great
Butterfly courtship ritual:
Male: *does mating dance*
Lady: Fluttery will get you nowhere
I never believed in hypnosis until I spent six straight hours staring at the bakery’s rotating pie display case.
My dog took his raw food upstairs and ate it in my bed. How’s your night going?
The Carpenters did not have nearly enough songs about hammers or sawdust
yoooo let ur cat know i said pspspsps
Table for one, please.
Ma’am, your family is right behind you.
In a hotel room. The dog’s growling and whimpering. My wife’s worried the neighbours will think we’re having sex.
Only thing sexier than a bad decisions is a bad decision with queso.
Had to do 3 cartwheels, a backflip and a verse of “Killing Me Softly” to turn on this automatic sink.
I just took my neighbor’s home security sign and put it in my yard, because the theft on my street is getting out of hand.
[first time at a rave]
These M&Ms make my hair follicles feel weird
i just bought a used car and the owners left their “baby on board” sign in it. i don’t have any children so i just wrote “former” on it
In my next life I’m coming back with money and good looks. This great personality shit is not working.
Cop: Is there a reason why you’re going so fast?
My 8 year old from the back seat: She said the flux capacitor won’t work unless you go 88mph!
I believe I can flyyy.
I believe I can touch the skyyy.
I believe I was mistaaaken.
I believe I’m faaalling.
I believe I’m gonna diiiie.
man: you’re beautiful
me: gross
man: humanity is a black hole of stupid and i’m dying inside
me: [heart beats fast] oh my god are you single
Inflatable mattresses are great if you like your bed to slowly eat you.
I’ll bet Timmy would never have fallen down that well if his parents would’ve coughed up the money for a HUMAN instead of a dog babysitter.
Her: If you hear something in the woods, you tell me. if you hear something in the water, you tell me. But under no circumstances are you allowed to take off your blindfold.
Me: All this just because you forgot to pack your makeup for our camping trip?
Diet tip: If you think you’re hungry, you might just be thirsty. Have a bottle of wine first and then see how you feel.
Wife- Don’t forget the trash.
Me *BATMAN VOICE- I’ll forget whatever I want.
Wife- What did you ju…
Me *Robin voice- I said, yes ma’am.
6 year old: Hey mommy, did you know you can go to jail for making copies??
Me: copies of what?
6 year old: money
– kidsplaining counterfeiting
I am only drinking 2 beers tonight, but in dog beers.
Show her you’re into her by running your toes through her hair
11-year-old: I can’t wait until it’s too cold outside for spiders.
Me: That just means they’ll come inside.
11: No furnace this year.
The only I would ever pledge allegiance to is peanut butter.
*planning family vacation*
Me: So what about camping?
Them: We love camping!
Me: Great! I’ll drop you off on my way to the spa.
My therapist thinks I should keep coming in for at least one more washer & dryer
[pulled over]
Dog Cop: you ran a gray light
Dog Driver: but it was still gray when i went through the intersection
Dog Cop: no it was gray