Twitter is for people who tried suffering in silence and realized it wasn’t for them.
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Pfizer: Our vaccine is 90% effective.
Me who always gets the lemon skittle: oh no
I spent over $200 at the grocery store yesterday which means there will be no food in my house by tomorrow.
Top causes of divorce:
1. Finances
2. Infidelity
3. Unmet expectations
4. Growing apart
5. Tandem bikes
Host: Congratulations! You won the hot dog eating contest!
Me: *mouth full, sitting off to the side of the stage* The what?
Karate Kid (1984) Two grown adults enlist minors to fight a martial arts proxy war.
My neighbors act like they’ve never seen a grown man watering flowers in a speedo.
I was wondering how they got the sign to just float in midair like that. Now it makes sense.
[Date night]
WIFE: Remember the night we met?ME: Yeah you walked in, I was eating pizza, and our eyes met
WIFE: It was amazing
ME: It really was and I don’t normally like deep pan
Yeah, no, I don’t have a FitBit. I’m pretty sure I have a solid grasp on how inactive I am. I don’t need like bells and alarms and stuff.
SCARECROW WIFE: Did you pick up milk?
SCARECROW:Oh I forgot
SCARECROW WIFE: You’d forget your brain if…
SCARECROW: If what Hayley?…Say it
14: Mom, you’re like the youngest mom in my grade. So how far apart are we in age?
Me: I had you when I was 24.
14: So we’re like 10 years apart.
*Skynet becomes self aware*
*Starts a blog*
If you like being used as a giant Kleenex, working with young children may be right for you.
Establish dominance in the mom group by looking the other moms in the eye as you jump on a trampoline without going to the bathroom first.
Mario:
– Only went outside because of a kidnapping.
– Kept to social-distancing whenever possible
– If something got too close, jumped from a safe distance and landed on its head.
– ate mushrooms to survive this surreal hellscapeBe like Mario.
Vampire selfies are just phones floating in front of bathroom mirrors.
Stopping to get donuts for the office only works as an excuse for being late if the box isn’t empty.
The hot chocolate mustache stays on during sex
I can tell when I’m not wanted. I’m not gonna leave or anything but I can tell.
Prayers for my distraught 5yo whose pet grape was just eaten by his twin sister
Why is my long hair now up in a messy bun today? Well I leaned down to pick up something from the floor & my cat leapt out of nowhere, claws out, grabbed my hair like a vine rope over a lake & swung from it for fun.
Someone forgot to pay the earths yearly subscription fee for “being ok” after the free trial ended.
If you think one of my tweets is about you, it isn’t. Except this one.
when someone is trying to explain crypto to me for the third time and i’m trying to imagine their death in the most super-creative way possible
If someone’s embarrassed just tell them an astronaut did the same thing. For example, “It’s ok, Buzz Aldren once shit himself in an Arby’s”
Last night, I spent 15 minutes at a party waiting for a man to move closer to a woman he was hitting on so I could reach behind him for Fritos
dating after 40 is like riding a bike uphill through a blazing inferno with flat tires.
If I’m reading this DNA report correctly, the thin lines here and the thick lines over here mean nothing is my fault.
You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.
my depression: I’m sad
my anxiety: but why now I’m worried
my depression: nothing to worry about I’m sad for no reason
my anxiety: oh cool but honestly I was just gonna worry anyway