me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*
wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine
me: *swallows another quarter* no
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Apparently, autocorrect wants me to get my shirt together.
My belly don’t jiggle jiggle, it folds.
Sorry I called you an imbecile.
I should’ve realized I would have to explain to you what that means.
you guys all say you hate lawyers until you need our help navigating the extremely burdensome and unforgiving system we designed
Sure, most of my cousins are doctors and lawyers and professors with nice houses and adorable kids but I’m the only one who can digest milk
[Restaurant]
Me *has a sip and nods at date* yes, that’s fine, we’ll have a bottleWaiter: One ketchup coming up
Me: Ugh! These jeans are too tight!
*opens bag of chips*
My friends are fully aware that our designated meeting times are rough estimates.
me:
Can I count on you?wife:
Of course, always.(sits on her lap)
me:
One…two…three…four…
Saw Interstellar over the weekend & was totally glued to my seat. The movie was OK but the getting-glued-to-my-seat thing ruined it for me.
Steve Buscemi is the only reported case of the saying “If you keep making that face, it’s going to get stuck that way” being true.
If you wear oversized sweats to the grocery store, and an attractive man smiles at you, is it a flirty smile or a pity smile?
What I did to that ice cream is illegal is some states.
When people ask me why I’m “confined” to a wheelchair, it makes it sound like a prison sentence. I want to say something like, “I ate too many free samples at Costco. I’ll be out in seven months.”
so I rewatched Top Gun and let me just say if some horny pilot ever follows my daughter into an officer’s club bathroom I hope she punches him in the face
Pronouncing words correctly is not my fort.
Me: *describing criminal* Well he was kind of *muffled laughter* “sketchy”.
Police Sketch Artist: *sighs heavily* Get out.
[first date with a therapist]
ME: so, tell me about myself
WOMAN: [disgusted] some people shouldn’t have children
ME: [gently placing my son in her shopping cart] thank you
You’d think the neighbors wouldn’t be so upset about the helpful notes I left for them regarding their god awful Christmas decorations.
[during sex]
HER: can you turn off the light
ME: I thought you liked my mining helmet
“Doctor: Put the IV in.
Nurse: The 4 what?”
– chronic problem in Roman emergency rooms
Having sex is like riding a bike. Specifically, like that scene in Pee-wee’s Big Adventure where everyone in the world has a bike except you
Once a lap dog, always a lap dog
*re-dials*
Hey girl, before I come over, did you say you were in a jacuzzi or the yakuza?
genie: [unloading my dishwasher] this is ridiculous
Me: You must train hard to beat Kylo Ren.
Rey: I already beat him once with literally no training.
Me:
Rey: Look. I still have two hands.
Strawberry is a terrible name. “Ooh, a berry with all the flavor of a straw,” you’d think. But you’d be wrong
Celebrating President’s Day by not doing anything I promised I would