If anyone’s looking to join a pyramid scheme, hit me up and I’ll connect you with all the girls I went to high school with via facebook.
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I used to love pretending I was Captain America and flinging a garbage can lid at kids in the neighborhood. But then my wife made me stop.
How crazy is it that we used to say “three and a half inch floppy” with a straight face
What do you call a parsnip riding a dragon?
A parsnip.
Light as a feather, smorg as a board
Fair warning. If you schedule your child’s birthday party before 11am, they will receive a book about where babies come from.
what if eric trump is actually a nigerian prince
[chopped]
Judge 1: this is disgusting
Judge 2: the chicken is raw
Judge 3: why are there froot loops
[the rat under my hat starts biting me]
I’m at the age where drinking a cup of coffee now makes me feel like Popeye scarfing down a can of spinach.
Amazon prime in the future:
Your baby will be delivered between 1 and 4pm tomorrow
Your baby was left near the front door or porch <photo> How was your delivery?
Sleep is the body’s best safety mechanism. It keeps you from screwing things up for 8 hours.
If you like bad boys, I’m quite bad at a lot of things.
*winks with both eyes*
Santa: hey I’m 🎶coming to town!
me: oh great that’s-
Santa: I see you when you’re sleeping. I know when you’re awake
me: uh
Santa: I know if you’ve been bad or good so-
me: please don’t come to town
‘Sorry I liked your Facebook status, I was using my laptop as a plate’- my autobiography
No Fitbit, I didn’t walk 18,937 steps today, I had a Sign Language final.
According to the price for a graduation cake from Baskin, son is either getting a cake or college, not both.
I yelled at my cat and the other cats yelled at me like wow k pay my mortgage then
It costs $0.00 to be petty and I love free shit.
My walk of shame is putting back the 9 boxes of assorted cereals that my wife found in the grocery cart.
If you accidentally drop a roll of toilet paper while sitting down, it will roll approximately 65 feet away from you.
Science.
this is the most terrifying thing a parent has ever made for their child
wife: honey did you see the new player piano I bought
me: *stops googling can ghosts play the piano* yes I did
My dog just tracked and successfully located a folium lanceolatum, more commonly known as a leaf.
In Bakersfield, California, it is illegal to have sex with Satan without a condom.
My goal is to have this whole hand washing thing mastered before they decide to remove the instructions.
Can makeup companies just admit that they’ve run out of words to market mascara? Lashblast full effect endless wonder lengthening spider scandal volumizing ultra curved stiletto black fantasy mega-colossal stiletto stapler gondola tractor zoo crime salad steamboat tick chart
Is “drunk” an emotion?
Because if it is, I am feeling SUPER emotional right now….
Engineers: “okay, so we agree the space between the seat and the console will allow people to see what they dropped but never retrieve it”
Me: *walks up to table next to mine in restaurant*
Are you done with that yet?
Her: We said no.
Me: But I need a green crayon for the tree.
The headline “WORLD’S OLDEST PERSON DIES” could also be “WORLD HAS NEW OLDEST PERSON”.
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: What’s your net worth?
FISHERMAN: Which one?