You put the shhh in bullshhhit.
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My wife traumatically ripped the blankets off me last night. But I will recover.
can u imagine being the first person to try coffee. just being like haha i’m shaking but like in a good way
“Everyone give us money in case something happens and when something happens we’ll call you a liar.”
-insurance
[me sneaking to the bathroom at night to check twitter]
Wife: what are you doing?
Me [looking around for excuse] just…changing my tampon
my husband and I were running from a demon who was trying to kill us (in a video game) and I was about to die bc I couldn’t find a hiding spot but then my husband gave me his hiding spot and the demon killed him instead of me and I was like omg babe noo and then I looted his body
Yoda telling a girl she can join the school marching band
March, April May
[company all-hands Zoom call]
CEO: The future is ahead of us!
Me [unmuting]: Um. Yeah. That’s how time works.
Ladies call me “the turkey sandwich” because I seem bland and boring at first, but then I continue to be boring.
Adult: What’s that a drawing of?
Someone else’s kid: A house and a rainbow and my smiling family
My kids: SONIC THE HEDGEHOG BUT HE FOUGHT ALIENS AND NOW HE’S COVERED IN BLOOD SEE HERE I AM CRYING ON THE CORNER
they should have called it “Checkmate” instead of “Tinder”
Oh no I just accidentally did everything wrong all my life
“Do one thing today that scares you.”
*shrugs*
*licks elevator button*
FRIEND: Your kitchen looks great
ME: Wanna see the new garbage disposal?
FRIEND: Sure
ME: [opening cupboard to reveal a large raccoon napping] His name is Boris
*gets up off bed*
*puts pants back on*
Oh…so you…you wanted ACTUAL tacos then?
We found love in a hopeless place.
The Lord of the Rings is my favorite movie about how he didn’t go to Jared®️
Not wasting my time reading anything an author puts in parenthesis. If it’s not good enough for the main text I don’t need it
My parents are divorced. I feel fat and all the other girls my age have boyfriends.
Him: Being a teenager is tough.
Me: *sigh* I’m 40.
As I was lovingly tucking in my 5yo, I told her I loved her and she responded with, “You’ve been a great mommy….so far.”
God [creating winter precipitation]: Make it white, sparkly, quiet and serene.
Angel: It’ll be beautiful. They’ll love it.
God: Hmm. Make it slick and dangerous too. I don’t want to spoil them.
Making fun of bands that only play 3 chords when I don’t even know what a chord is.
ME: I wish I was irresistible to women.
JINN: Done.
[I’m swarmed by hundreds of otters]
JINN: Hahaha, you didn’t say HUMAN wom—what are you doing? Stop enjoying this.
ME: *Rolling around, playing with my new otter friends* More otters, please.
me: is this vegan friendly?
waiter: idk dude, he’s your friend
One of the best compliments I ever received was when my brother told me that Mystery Science Theater 3000 was “basically like watching a movie with you.”
[Drug deal]
How do I know you’re not a cop
-If I was a cop would I do this?
*Starts breakdancing*
Thats not as much proof as you think it is
alien graffiti can be pretty hurtful 😔
Today I saw a bird shit on somebody for no apparent reason at all.
Then I thought of you.
The computer keyboard was invented before the mouse. It was a precursor.
I like being a landlord for people I can feed noodles to all the time because they’re lo mein tenants.
People think that as your kids get older you have more freedom but if that were true I wouldn’t be standing in the kitchen eating this chocolate bar out of an empty banana peel