6 was jealous about other kids getting notes in their lunches, so I put one in his:
“Sorry, I ate your pudding. Love, Dad.”
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Him: I’m drawn to winged creatures.
Me: *bats eyelashes, cocks head, makes duck lips*
The worst thing about switching from Android to an iPhone is the almond milk.
Dr: How can I help you?
Me: Can you make me look like this?
Dr: Ma’am, that’s a picture of Hello Kitty.
My living will specifies that if I’m ever on life support nobody pulls the plug until I reach my goal weight
[date]
me: what’s your type?
her: I like a man who doesn’t get jealous
me: WHO IS HE
5yo *oldest*: Dad, why do we have to eat our vegetables?
Me: You know what? Our first kid asked the same question
Only Americans understand
“Oh shit, I’m supposed to go find them…”
Who?
“The kids. We were playing hide and seek.”
-my husband, about 20 minutes into a conversation he and I were having
What do you mean the project is DUE TOMORROW?!
– a parenting memoir
[before Toto]
Rain down in Africa: *sneezes*
[watching kids make snowman]
Me: Hey honey, do you still keep that thing hidden in your dresser?
Wife: Yes…why?
Me (pointing): I don’t think that’s a carrot they used for his nose…
wife: The school called. Guess why?
[flashback to me telling my son every answer on his math homework was 69]
me: Why?
*holds flashlight up to face*
When I was a kid, most pop tarts came unfrosted.
*3 millennials faint, 2 vomit*
Dogs are like chicken nuggets; every time I see one, I want it.
[on a 1st date]
Me: I’m just looking to take things slow
Her: *in a wedding dress* me too
My younger brother has a PhD in material engineering, and I do stand up comedy which to be fair is also material engineering
Marriage is mostly blaming your spouse for not listening to the things you say, even when you’re not entirely sure you’ve said them out loud.
Im sorry, but that car does not have 5 doors. It’s 4 doors. No one is climbing in through the boot.
I put my pants on just like everyone else: while screaming obscenities at my pants butler
Lint Bizkit #LaundrySongsAndBands
“NO, YOU CANNOT HAVE CANDY FOR BREAKFAST!” my children yell at me.
Invention idea:
Written versions of audio books.
“I don’t think being an only child affected me at all.”
I say, as I straighten my tiara, whilst eating the last cookie.
My sisters a doctor and she’s always on call. She’s an oncologist.
The police have just found my stash of ceremonial chairs in my transparent garden potting shed. Just goes to prove…
People in glass houses shouldn’t stow thrones
What is wrong with Riverdale that ARCHIE was the best option?
Finally got the mustache thick enough where other mustache guys are giving me the mustache-comradery nod. Absolutely crushed it at Home Depot today. Neck sore from nodding.
[loudly in front of a bunch of ducks] “OH NO I SEEM TO HAVE BROUGHT TOO MUCH BREAD WITH ME WHATEVER SHALL I DO?” *ducks try to play it cool*
I was on my way to the gym and this strong gust of wind blew me into a McDonald’s and 3 Big Macs fell in my lap.
Me: Magic 8-Ball, am I stupid?
Bowling Ball: