A girl phoned me the other day and said…”Come on over, there’s nobody home.” I went over. Nobody was home.
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A woman at my gym has a jellyfish tattoo on her arm.
So I peed on her
Got banned for life from McDonald’s for asking the cashier if the Filet-O-Fish was made of Mc-Erel
Hey Amish person reading this: Busted.
“no one cares abot ur plan to dig to the center of the earth! the world doesnt revolve around you!” she said.
“IT WILL IF MY PLAN WORKS THO”
Him: You’re not like other girls
Me: [foghorn sound]
This can never not be funny 😭😭
Beep beep
Beep beep beep
Beep beep
Beep
Beep beep beep beep
Road Runner and R2D2 having a conversation
Why is he not as excited to meet me? 🙁
*puts stethoscope up to chest*
Dr: I dont hear..U don’t have a heart Karen
“Did my ex Kyle put u up to this?”
*Im in the bushes giggling*
My last turkey joke was deleted due to fowl language.
#Thanksgiving #RubbishJokes #ThursdayMorning
Waking up an hour early gives you an extra hour to wish you were still in bed.
*the doctor looks up at me after reviewing my blood test for several minutes*
are you sure you’re not a donut?
In Bakersfield, California, it is illegal to have sex with Satan without a condom.
I wish I was 7’9″ so my BMI would be normal
Imagine meeting the person of your dreams and then finding out they use cutlery to eat a burger.
Attention: All employees will be required to bring their own toilet paper until further notice.
-Management
My coffee tastes like murder is off the table, for now.
Just told a teen about the music I listened to when I was her age & she said “that’s cool, I love the oldies,” so today I do my first murder
5 SECONDS AGO!
What do we want?
TIME TRAVEL JOKES!
When do we want them?
*adds Amazon wishlist link to bio*
Me: And now we wait
[2 days later] *nothing*
[1 week later] *still nothing*
[2 weeks later] Kids: Dad, we’re really hungry now
Me: I said, we wait!!!
True story: A coworker once asked if I’d seen her earmuffs. Noticing she was actually wearing them, I said, “I think the boss said he found a pair. Go ask him.” (I’m evil.) 😆
Me: Did you like that story?
5: Yes, I love Goldilocks.
Me: Of course they had to change the ending for kids.
5: There’s another ending? Tell me.
Me: You don’t need to know.
5: Tell me, Tell me!
Me: They’re BEARS for God’s sake. How do you THINK it ended?!
My 4yo knows I’m hard to wake in the night
Unfortunately he also knows using his stuffed toy to wack me in the face a few times does the trick
Every Independence Day I get a little bit disappointed when aliens don’t try to take over the world.
Forget roses, lay her down on a bed of cheeseburgers.
Dr: do you have kids?
me: yes I have 3 kids
Dr: do you drink?
me: yes I have 3 kids
[gets intuitive notification]
you know what, apple watch, I think I will finish that outdoor walk from 2011
Pretty sure my cold is trying to seduce me. I sneezed and my bra unsnapped.