Them: ugh could you be more annoying
Me: oh my yes
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I asked her if she wanted to play House, then yelled at her like an angry, eccentric genius-doctor.
I had children for two reasons; I wanted to start a loving family, and I needed a quick excuse to leave things.
cop: *knocks on my car window*
me: sorry is the music too loud
cop: yes
me: *sets down bagpipes*
My very high friend said “Imagine if cats got really big” and I said “Like tigers?” and he got very quiet.
Me: The brake pads breaked.
Mechanic: Broke.
Me: The broke pads breaked.
It’s faster just accepting that a fish learned to walk and then everything got weirder.
Are you a sane person, or did you just ask a mannequin for directions to another department?
*watching TV*
*pours bowl of Grape-Nuts*
*turns on closed captions*
Fun idea: Have a magician saw you in half at your funeral. Or not even a magician, just anybody with a big saw.
Hell hath no fury like a 5 yo who doesn’t want his brother to stare at him in the car.
At least broken people are interesting. You can’t fix boring.
A man of commitment.
Me: sshhhhh, the house is right there *loading shotgun*
Realtor: *steps on a twig that snaps loudly*
House: *picks up garage and runs into the forest*
Me: for a realtor, you really suck at house hunting
today a customer had to wait for blonde roast and he’d had to wait yesterday too and i was like “so sorry this is happening again” and he turned his phone to me and i was like oh no he’s on the phone with head office but he was showing me a video of a rat taking a shower
I’m no expert guys but with the amount I trip and fall off things… trust me i’d know if the Earth was flat
me: I had some friends over for dinner, but they didn’t like the tacos I made
him: oh no, did you overreact-
me: no, I just threw them out
him: oh
me: then I ate the tacos
him:
If you keep laughing then you’ll always have the last laugh.
Just had an Aha moment
Then a Duran Duran moment
Then a Eurythmics moment
Trying to impress the doctor by telling her I don’t need a prescription to get Xanax.
Me: I’m going to be late.
Boss, over the phone: What happened?!
Me, stuck up to my neck in rice: Well, funny story…I couldn’t find a towel.
We say “life is short,” but really, most of us expect to die in old age. This expectation exposes our fear of death, not our understanding of life. Life doesn’t have a knowable length or a right length. It ends when it ends.
Cashier: So… you don’t want fries?
Me: No, I do.
Genie: You have three wishes.
Me: First, I would like a time machine.
*travels back in time a few minutes now owning a time machine*
Genie: You have three wishes.
Always curious what makes people become sober. A guy told me turned sober after he woke up two hours away from his home in a strange home with two naked women. And I was like… I gotta drink more.
friend: my dad said he was “going for cigarettes” and never came back
me: oh wow me too
[meanwhile]
Our dads: *raggedy beards* let’s try aisle 7
My fav person at work is Stan. He’s Indian or Mexican or Polish or something. He’s always playing jokes and making up words. Today he was clutching his chest yelling “defrib you later!”. Ha! Not if I defrib you first Stan! What a guy
inheritance is a dumb system people should have to give their estate to whoever defeats them in battle like the santa clause
Yoga isn’t as easy as you’d think a few drinks in…
[lowering myself Mission Impossible style from the ceiling and hovering over your sleeping body]
Me, whispering: So, what did you mean by “oh.” in that text message?
If a malevolent demon is watching you sleep, simply go to Settings > General > Privacy > Malevolent Demon Who Watches You Sleep (Deactivate)
It sucks that boomers got sports cars for their mid-life crisis but I’m probably just gonna start playing World of Warcraft again