I passed my genetic engineering exam with flying koalas
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My husband is taking me out on a trail today for some fun. If it doesn’t involve me riding a horse through the woods to view a dead body, I’m gonna be pissed.
A pregnant lady was in line in front of me and a stranger asked her what she was having and she said “idk prob the chicken tenders.” Legend.
me: how much is this cordless mouse?
pet store employee: that’s a hamster
Patron: I’ll have the french toast
Waiter, donning a beret and raising a glass: oui oui, mon amie
I slept like shit.
– how adults say “good morning”
Jane Austen is short for Jane Stonecoldsteve Austen.
Number of times I’ve cooked Mac and cheese: 1000
Number of times I’ve thrown the box and then picked it up from trash to read the instructions: 1024
Interviewer: how would you describe yourself?
Me: verbally, but I’ve also prepared a dance
Me: You are trespassing in my kingdom. If you don’t retreat, I shall have you removed!
Husband: I was just rolling over to spoon you!
If you asked me to bring a dish to your party,
just know that I snacked on it the whole way to your house.
old timey fellow: i say have you addressed your pants falling down problem?
inventor of suspenders: indeed good sir i’ve hung them from my shoulders.
me: *joking* i’m always right! i’m NEVER wrong.
7: well. sometimes you are. remember when –
me: shut up
Vending machine egg salad sandwich cleanse.
Last night, I was running from Justin Bieber-head polygamist in Utah-who demanded that I become his 4th wife.
I’m not taking any Benadryl tonight
I can point out chicks who say “vokka” and “liberry” instead of “vodka” and “library” based on the use of emoticons in their screen name.
Describe yourself in four bold words and two exclamation points
Me:
My sex face is the same as my first pee in three hours face.
Wife: We have 4 kids already, I think we should start using protection!
Me: haha yes I’ll sort it[Later]
Son: Dad can I have-
Bouncer: Step back
*driving home*
Me: I spy something gray.
4yo: Your hair!
Me:…
4yo:…
Me: I spy something adopted.
*at the movie theater* umm ok the hackers also said theyd do a terror unless u giv me unlimited free popcorn and uh.. also that guys popcorn
My robot vacuum and I are cut from the same cloth. When we see a line of dirt on the kitchen floor, we just spin around and go the other way.
m’lady
I did NOT need to see this today!!!!
I’m not a narcissist.
But If I was, I would be the best one there ever was.
I won’t take any criticism on this
*Sends carrier pigeon back*
“I have a suitor.”
Currently binge watching old eclipses to get caught up for tomorrow.
You can pour up to 12 bowls of salad in your sweats before they kick you out of the Olive Garden.
Me: What would you give me if I can fit this whole waffle in my mouth?!
Wife: An uncontested divorce
Sure Xfinity internet service is overpriced and spotty but you can’t put a price on unintentionally being dropped from every Zoom meeting.
Is everything ok, babe? You haven’t even touched your eppe