trump is putting everyone who works at goldman sachs in the government so that there’s no one left to run GS and they go out of business
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[Jurassic Park]
kid: What do you call a blind dinosaur?
me: What?
kid: Do-you-think-he-saurus
me *pushes him out of the tree*
It’s not a coincidence that we use the term “committed” to refer to both relationships and a stay at a mental institution
My kids just pounded on my office door yelling “FBI – open up!!!” when I was on a work call, so yeah, I’m totally looking forward to them going back to school in-person.
Boss: You’re late!
M: It’s 6.30am
B: You start at 6am!
M: I know but that’s just crazy. This is better for me.
And now we wait for HR.
Alarm system? Yeah right. I’ll defend my home the way my ancestors would have. A series of large painted portraits with peepholes for eyes.
You might remember me from such productions as Skirt Tucked Into Pantyhose, or, Oh! You Weren’t Waving at Me.
What did everyone get for Christmas this year? Just kidding, I know it’s omicron.
Sorry kids, Santa’s elves only make toys that would sell for under $20 retail.
Getting a text from someone when I’m trying to tweet is the emotional equivalent to walking into a spider web.
A great way to get a cw to stop talking to you permanently is to start clipping your toenails in the middle of their story
“Don’t put your brother in the fridge” is something I never thought I’d say, yet here I am.
me: [waking from coma] how long was I out
doc: two years, but I have terrible news
me: what
doc: it’s still March
Just bought 6 pounds of cheese. Won’t need toilet paper now.
Flex on a demon by possessing it first.
I eat bagged salad two days *past* the sell-by date, if you’re looking for a bad boy with a mysterious tummy ache
*applies Chapstick throughout our entire 13 minute conversation*
People who say “Money doesn’t grow on trees” don’t understand the paper making process.
General: Why is the whole battalion yellow and slimy?
Me: I mustard the troops.
General: …
Me: Just as you told me to, sir.
I just closed a browser tab by accident and yelled noooooo as one of my free articles for the month disappeared into the abyss forever.
Ever wonder what it’s like to work with the public?
Me: I’d kill for a donut
Donut: Whoa I said I was angry, I never said I wanted them dead
My diorama of the Three Little Pigs mise-en-scéne was overshadowed by my sister’s master’s degree. I’m not mad, but I’ll probably cancel the show.
I’ve got a job at my local hospital, doing goose impressions while I show people the mallards on the pond. I’m the honk call duck tour.
People are out here fighting over Walmart and Target. Meanwhile, I haven’t stepped a foot in either of these stores for eleven years because of the same people who will fight over and in a Walmart and Target.
My husband loves to role play Sexy Star Wars in bed.
Maybe one day I’ll get to wear the golden bikini.
Me: omg look how bad they messed up my name at Starbucks, this isn’t even close
lupita nyong’o: that’s my coffee
i wish they named cookies something different because every time a website asks me to accept cookies, and i decline, a little part of my heart is like, but i love cookies, just not your kind
Tim Cook announces iPhone charger cord to be long enough to reach a socket, Apple stock price quadruples.
*bolts upright in bed..
If there’s 24 hrs in a day how many hrs are in a night?!!?
[1st day as judge]
Murderer: [waves at me]
Me [waves back]: He seems nice
Lawyer: He killed six people
Me: He probably didn’t mean it