Who wants a McKnuckle sandwich?
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So, a shipment of crickets for the lizard arrived via FedEx today. It was my first time ordering bulk crickets off the internet, and I naively assumed that they would be in like, a bag or some other contraption to facilitate easy transfer to another container. They were not.
I dunno maybe go make out with a hot toaster
The most elusive of all creatures is the camo camo camo camo camo chameleon
Me: *buys a blue chair online*
Internet: check out these 16 similar blue chairs since you obv collect blue chairs
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a boy, asking him to love her! And that’s when my son went back to playing Minecraft 🙁
This day in history. 1998. Sonny Bono was killed while skiing at Lake Tahoe nothing to do with him trying to leave Scientology nope nothing.
I wonder how long until my guy friends figure out I only invite them over to kill bugs for me
i was going to warn my kids about the repercussions of drugs and alcohol until i realized that they in fact were the repercussions of drugs and alcohol
I’ve already lost 72 ponytail holders this weekend
5 has poison ivy on his entire body so if you wondered what would make a 5 yo more annoying it’s having poison ivy on his entire body.
*Gets off couch. Goes to Jedi school. Studies for months.
*Returns to couch.
*Uses the force to get last beer from the fridge.
ME: I fear the number six.
THERAPIST: That’s odd.
ME: It’s even actually, but you’re a therapist not a mathematician.
Copy Editor is a rewording career.
starting an onlyfans but it’s just videos of me trying to use chopsticks
[1st date]
Me: “So, what do you do?”
Her: “I’m a Herpetologist.”
Me: “Great! [pulls pants down] How bad is this?”
If I ever tell you to “Be the ball,” I’m not coaching you…I’m preparing you for my nine iron.
Just once I’d like to practice my runway walk while eating a bag of chips without getting kicked out of the grocery store.
A twitter swear jar could end world hunger.
Why call it a staple remover and not an upper left corner of the page mangler?
If life was fair, salad would cause weight gain, and we’d have to eat a lot of chocolate to lose it all back.
“There are enough donuts here to last a lifetime!” thought Jerome, his nose twitching with excitement. Three hours later, he found himself sprawled on his back in a shallow puddle of milk at the bottom of the bowl, staring at the ceiling, feeling overwhelmed by shame and regret.
I found eleven dollars in the dryer this morning and spent the rest of my day interviewing investment advisors.
doctor: do you smoke?
me: only after sex
doctor: *notices my “gamers don’t die they just respawn” shirt* you can just say yes
thinking about the time someone asked me if there was any dairy in the tres leches cake i got. yes there’s tres
What’s your WiFi pw?
kneeshowerbaseball
All caps?
Yes; all lowercase.
What?
It’s all caps, but all lowercase.
Is there a Starbucks nearby?
Making a wreath of all my kids’ lost teeth to hang on my door to ward off solicitors.
There is no real comfortable way to explain to your gynecologist that it’s your feet that smell.
Can we stop trashing couples for meeting on the internet?
For centuries it was like, “my cousin in Idaho knows a farmer looking for a spouse, you should write him a letter,” and then you got married.
[First Date]
Her: Your Tinder profile says you’re a great listener
Me: Really. Ugh. That’s a typo. It should say I’m a “great listener.”
I wonder if my dog gets embarrassed when I give him kisses in front of other dogs at the park.