GPS: left—left again—take another left—ur gonna want to take this left—stay left
NASCAR DRIVER: why is there a gps in here
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Her: For once I’d like a man to just sweep me off my feet.
Me: *slowly ties Karate Kid headband around forehead*
Just dyed a bald eagle red, white & blue & forced my family to eat 3 apple pies each. We’re all crying. It’s awesome.
gonna open a bar called “well, actually” and any time someone utters that phrase they have to buy everyone in the place a round of well shots
Welcome to middle age. Prepare to pay for everything you’ve done to your body over the last 40 years.
On a scale of corn to manycorn how impressed are you by my new corn-based number system
Heard my mom tell my dad to “stop tossing her salad” at the dinner table and now I can’t look at either one of them without laughing…
Just once i’d like to see a chicken picking out a rotisserie person
I think it’s fun how Hollywood gets to make as many Superman movies as they want until they get it right.
🤷🏽♀️🤦🏽♀️😩
The woman that cleaned my house could make a lot of money by threatening to release the before and after photos
me: *sees a dead bird* this is a bad omen
wife: you’re ruining thanksgiving
Some of you are like family to me. I don’t want you calling me either.
presidents day is just a holiday created by “Big President” to get us to buy more presidents
Me: How much for the round lizard
Grocer: That’s a lime
I wish they sold off-brand cars.
I’d get me a Joop
*London, 1592*
Pizza Boy: Hark! I hast brought thine order
Lusty Wench: Alas, I hath not a tuppence to pay for thy cheesed bread! Mayhap there is some other way thou canst get thine…pound of flesh?
Pizza Boy: Gadzooks! *funky lute music begins*
There are two types of people in the world, those who are sure they locked the main door and those who are sure they didn’t, and they’re married to eachother.
“Will he ever wake up?”
He’s been in a coma for 3 weeks but watch this. *starts playing Pitbull*
*patient wakes up to turn off the music*
Opera is what happens when someone stabs you and instead of dying, you sing.
The Titannic: Be gentle, it’s my first time.
Iceberg: Okay, just the tip.
Super irresponsible to host a murder mystery party when real murders go unsolved
[Texting]
FRIEND: Hey, sorry I didn’t respond yesterday, just saw your text!ME: *Does not know a single person who is ever more than 6 feet from their phone* Haha, no worries, it happens!
eye doctor: please read the top line
me: have you recently been injured in the workplace? do you lack legal represen— is this an ad
eye doctor: look, i need to make money somehow; keep reading
dm room: tell your dad we say happy birthday!
Me: dad, my internet friends say happy birthday
Dad: internet people aren’t real friends
Me: *to dm room* he says thanks
Remember, your neighbours aren’t going to be attacked by killer bees on their own. You have to want it. You need to make it happen.
If YouTube ever goes down nobody will ever figure out how to tie a tie again.
waiter: would you like the bill?
me: no thanks
Professional cuddlers probably aren’t going to advertise on Craigslist.
I know this now.
*Walks away with a scar on my back and a missing kidney*
Arnold Schwarzenegger glancing up excitedly and then looking away disappointedly multiple times while watching the intro to “Hey Arnold”