All movies about zombies are Easter movies because of resurrection.
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WIFE: can you preheat the oven?
ME: you mean heat it
WIFE: not this again
ME: it can’t be heated before it’s heated. don’t give me that look
A grasshopper just jumped onto my foot and I reacted like I was being attacked by a shark.
If people are going to judge me they should at least hold up scorecards so I know how I’m doing.
[floor creaks inside mansion]
Robber 1: shhhhhh…
Robber 2: …
[Fitbit buzzes]
Me: HEY GUYS I JUST GOT MY STEP GOAL
Did you survive the titanic based on your zodiac sign
Aries: yes
Taurus: yes
Gemini: yes
Cancer: yes
Leo: no
Virgo: yes
Libra: yes
Scorpio: yes
Sagittarius: yes
Capricorn: yes
Aquarius: yes
Pisces: yes
Either this rapid COVID test is defective or I didn’t pee on it long enough.
Just accidentally deleted all my contacts. Best day ever.
Training a horde of rats to do my bidding is harder than I expected. After seven weeks they still misinterpret every command as “Bite me.”
I could never be a map maker. Not because I think it’s hard, I just don’t know how tf to spell meditarainian.
I want to study goat psychology and write a book called, “Honey, I shrunk the kids.”
You’ll never know how creative you really are until you need to start lying to your kids.
Dear Mom and Dad: Camp is awful and I want to go home. They haven’t let us go swimming even once, and I hate the orange jumpsuits they make us wear. Also, the counselors are mean and my cabin mate says he’s going to shank me. Making license plates is fun, though. Love, John.
therapist: and what is it about this generation that bothers you?
satan: i give them the intro tour and they just say shit like “ooo spooky lol”
therapist: that’s not so bad
satan: when i showed one girl the pit of everlasting flame, she sighed and said “big mood”
Ran in the store to get something healthy for breakfast
I got to tell you that this peanut butter, chocolate iced donut is delicious
the craziest thing about today’s story where a bear attacked a 12 year old girl jogging in her neighborhood is WHY IS A 12 YEAR OLD JOGGING
Haven’t exercised in so long that my Fitbit just sent me a friend request.
Witness protection program or abducted by aliens? I wanna get this breakup text just right
A good relationship is when she is by your side during bad times to tell you that none of this would’ve happened if you had just listened to her.
I’m keeping an eye on the cult headquarters, call that compound interest
I accidentally killed another cactus & now one of my plants is trying to grow towards the phone to call 911.
My neighbors just got new wind chimes. Guess who is going to have their wind chimes stolen tonight?
School – “Here is an amazing photo of the kids outside enjoying a beautiful spring day!”
Every parent – It would be amazing if my kid weren’t picking their nose
5-year-old: Do you know what I learned at school?
Me: What?
5: I was asking you. I don’t remember.
I think we should hear other voices.
Wife text from work on Easter. “Happy Easter” quick reply as joke “I’m going to grind on you so hard” opens text.Was group family text.truth
I just convinced my toddler to play Rock Paper Scissors alone because she was cheating and she just quit against herself because she was cheating
If by putting clean sheets on my bed you mean I piled unfolded clean sheets on my bed and then used them as a cuddle buddy for a week, then yes, I put new sheets on my bed.
Beastie Boys: So whatcha whatcha whatcha want?
2020: *deep breath*
Me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*
Wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine
Me: *swallows yet another quarter* why
Dad: Can I administer my own anesthetic?
Surgeon: Go ahead – knock yourself out.