Onion rings.
What sounds do other vegetables make?
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If a drunk falls in the woods and no one is there to hear him, why did I go camping?
My wife says I’m too trusting. At least he says he’s my wife.
Alien: This is candy corn?
Me: Yeah
A: But it doesn’t look like-
Me: I know
A: And it tastes like-
Me: I know
A: So this is kinda like grape soda
Me: There ya go
Imagine being the roommate of someone who was abducted by aliens and having to live knowing aliens were completely uninterested in the opportunity to probe you
If you think one of my tweets is about you, it isn’t. Except this one.
Christmas decorations should come with coupons for couples counseling.
My kid just announced that when he’s a grown up he’s going to go to the ice cream shop every day, and now I want to be a grown up too
[Grocery Store]
Wife: Why do we need 12 baskets?
Me: *takes idioms very literally* One for each egg.
OMG I BOUGHT A MASK AND A GUN AND NOW EVERYTHING IS FREE
they said marry your best friend but then got all weird when I proposed to my dog pick a lane
I now know why they’re called the wee hours of the night
I wear my 5k tshirt as proof of the day I exercised
My wife took our kids to the aquarium the other day and then our 5yo asked me if one weekend I could “take us to outer space”
I’m a real badass until I feel a stray hair and think it’s a spider.
If Barb wears leopard print to another funeral, I’m buying a dart gun.
tom cruise struggle to operating a rod and reel and it’s all tangled and messed up. fishin’ impossible
The last time I had sex, there was a dinosaur in the cave with us.
At my age, “getting lucky” means being able to find my car in the parking lot.
The doc was like “…..Some of these sinus medicines will make you very drowsy, which is fine. Nap whenever you can.” & I was like “Don’t threaten me with a good time.”
I heard a landline ring the other day and I legit thought it was a fire alarm
Dogs should be allowed to drive.
Brain: You’ve got ONE shot at this.
Me: Ready.
Brain: Go talk to her.“YOUR HAIR IS THE COLOR OF HONEY CAN I TASTE IT?!?”
Brain: Magical!
Siri do my hangover for me tomorrow morning.
Me: Just a woman looking for a connection in this thermal nuclear apocalypse.
Guy: Hey-
Me: Not you.
Donkey I Shreked the Kids
First day of my levitation course today, and I went straight to the top of the class.
Friend: Are you on social media?
Me, panicked: What’s a Twitter? Never heard of it. Nice foot clothes you’re wearing today.
Me: This “Fear the Walking Dead” show is really creepy.
Wife: This is the Video Music Awards.
She thinks I drink all day when she’s at work. I don’t… I stop just before she gets home
A chinchilla infestation sounds more like a solution than a problem at this point.