Starting to think that having kids just to get some help around the house was a bad idea.
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*5 yo on her kindergarten Zoom class*
Teacher: “So what do you do before joining our Zoom class?”
5yo: “My mommy hits me and says ‘do good!”
Me, no make-up, bagel crumbs on my face, unexpectedly joining the Zoom class: “SHE MEANS I HIGH FIVE HER HAND!!!”
Me: Why doesn’t he love me?
Nachos: Eat more of me and find out!
Me: *Chewing* So?
Nachos: We need outside counsel. Send pizza down here.
Been dating this girl for 7 months and today she asked me, why I don’t have a girlfriend
One day when my teenager was upset I said “It is what it is,” and now he says it to me every time I’m upset and, oh wow, it does not feel good
me: I need tires
michelin: here you go
me: now if only someone could rate my restaurant
michelin: you’re not gonna believe this
{my first day as an art critic}
this painting tastes like shit
Listen, I’m all about neighborliness, but if you ring my bell one more time at 7am just to inform me you received my newspaper
I. Will. Boil. Your. Rabbit.
It’s so reassuring when your nephew asks for your birth year and then replies with woah, did you go to war?
nothing says 2019 like when you group text your family from the bathroom to bring you toilet paper
I sure hope the family likes these Slim Jim burritos.
Blind Date
Me: I’ve read “The Catcher in the Rye” 5 times.
Him: I like watching Swamp People – they catch gators. What are they catching in your book?
[later on]
Him to his friend: Nah she drinks too much.
What Geico said: We just saved you 15% on your car insurance.
What I heard: You should go shopping.
Saying “You first” when the doctor told me to take off my shirt made the rest of the appointment awkward for him and I.
Her: What do you like about me?
Me: Your crippling self esteem issues have caused you to lower your standards.
Her: What?
Me: Your eyes
My favorite part of Star Wars is when the angry guy was like “call me daddy”
Family Clue night in my house be like: It was the teen in the kitchen with the bag of Doritos.
Your daughter seems to have nice boyfriends. They all seem to be involved in community service.
Don’t mess with me; I’ll throw a semicolon in just to discombobulate you.
Wife: Been a long time since we went on a vacation.
Me: Great idea. Where do you wanna go?
Wife: Some place romantic. Paris.
Me: Ok. And I’ll go to Thailand.
[Lingerie store]
ME: I’d like to buy some underwear for my wife.
ASSISTANT: Satin?
ME: No, I’d prefer new ones.
ME: we have a problem, karen invited us to a coldplay concert
HER: nice i love coldplay
ME: ok we have two problems
Whenever the wife asks what I’m eating. I chew faster like a dog and refuse to open my mouth
<enter password>
me
<password is too short>
meonstilts
<password must have at least one special character>
meandbatmanonstilts
Mockingbird: I imitate other birds.
Hummingbird: I make a humming noise. What do you do?
Swallow: *Blushes*
More often than not, I read applause as applesauce.
a lot to unpack here
Kid: Your my best friend, Mom.
Me: *eyes well up with tears* It’s you’re.
Taylor Swift is a psyop designed to get my wife to hum little tunes here and there