Cop: Sir…
I know, I know. Why is my dog dri-
Cop: WHY IS YOUR DOG DRIVING
I threw the ball too far during fetch
Cop: Fair enough
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The feeling of peace when amongst the trees quickly disappears when you notice a coyote nonchalantly walking towards you.
20% of being the BBC Wimbledon presenter is telling people what other telly programmes have been cancelled.
[being buried alive] you missed a spot
Call me a hopeless romantic, but there’s nothing like a candlelit dinner to obscure the rodent droppings in my storage unit.
My cover letter is just a picture of me in a sleeveless turtleneck karate chopping the word ‘unemployment’.
You can just start calling yourself an olympic hopeful. You don’t have to fill out a form or anything.
Me teaching Wilderness Survival Class:
“OK EVERYBODY WATCH CAREFULLY AS I DRIVE *AWAY* FROM THE WILDERNESS.”
“you have some nerve” yeah idiot i have like 7 trillion in me
8 out of 24 Americans cannot reduce a fraction.
I need a way to keep fit that will make me look like a crazy person so no one will approach me while I do it.
-inventor of powerwalking
I had to grease a lot of palms to get to where I am today
*cut to me oiling up tropical trees*
haha excellent
[at my funeral]
boss : you’re LATE
Literally every dog in the world failed their families by letting a rabbit break into their home
My husband is with me every step of the way, in life, in love, in faith, in front of the kitchen drawer I need to get to
I lost 6 hours of sleep last night, lying in bed wondering if Muppets get haircuts.
i guess i’m not sure how to end a relationship correctly walking towards him banging a pan loudly with a wooden spoon did not work
I’m an independent thinker. The guy on YouTube that I have based my entire life around told me so
I’ve got chicken fingers and a McRib, a few more parts and my monster will be complete.
What she said: wanna share some nachos?
What I heard: wanna race to see who can eat the most nachos?
me: [angrily flipping over table] I TOLD U I HATE BOARD GAMES U CHEATING LITTLE SHIT
daughter: once again, how does one cheat at hungry hungry hippos
*speed dating*
So which of my teeth is your favorite?
Nobody loves a thunderstorm more than a teenager who promised to mow the lawn today.
IAN: I broke my leg once
ME: I’ve never broken a bone, touch wood [touches wood]
THE UNIVERSE: THIS MAN WILL NEVER BREAK A BONE
Find someone who looks at you like Roger looks at a barbecue.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: [snoring]
Netflix: [takes last piece of birthday cake from fridge]
Seductively rubs salt in your wound.
Smile they said.
I miss the days when my 2yo didn’t have opinions and I could dress him in whatever I wanted.
Daddy will my cockatoo go to heaven?
– Heaven is a place of serenity and joy, right?
*nods, wiping tear*
– Then Mr. Shrieks won’t be there.
Santa: he works one day a year and spends the rest of it judging you.