Me: I couldn’t eat another thing.
Narrator: Oh, she ate another thing. And then some.
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Each second of this is more amazing than the last
I banged my toe really hard on the sofa, and now it won’t stop texting me.
My daughter turns 3 today. Due to our tight budget, we’re not telling her.
*Pulls gun* Alright give me the money, and don’t try anything stupid.”
*Tries to put a fork in a light socket*
“Hey! What did I just say”!?
Why is it when I buy something a size up and want it to shrink it stays exactly the same size. But when I buy something that fits perfectly it comes out of the dryer looking like it was made for a small child? I’m pretty sure it’s a conspiracy by Big Textile.
Guilt is a dish best served by Mom.
ME: careful there is a bee on that tree lim
WIFE: limb has a b at the end
ME: i literally just said that diane
I carry deodorant in my purse in case I need it or to casually wipe on strangers.
People will come in and out of your life. Make sure they’ve gotten the flu vaccine.
-inspirational tweet
When my tween pisses me off I like to blow off steam by taking my pet modem for a walk.
Something crazy about Hollywood’s silent film age is that a guy will be driving a train off a cliff while being attacked by lions and you’ll think “Wow, how’d they do that effect!” then you look it up and they literally had lions attack a guy while he drove a train off a cliff
[in music class]
Teacher: Be sure to take good notes
Me to classmate: Which notes are the bad ones?
spicy snake
“WATERMELON” HAS 4 SYLLABLES. “ILLUMINATI” HAS 5 SYLLABLES. THAT’S PRETTY CLOSE. WATERMELON IS ILLUMINATI.
cashier: would you like a receipt?
me: . o O (if someone is being murdered right now it would be my alibi but if someone gets murdered in the store they could pin it on me)
cashier: well?
me: I want to talk to a lawyer
just overheard a conversation
“You’re a tutor, right?”
“Yeah”
“What subjects do you toot?”
what forbidden atrocity did Santa Clause commit to be cursed to have to drink 500,000,000 glasses of warm milk in one night every year for eternity?
Sir, I see that you spelled “résumé” with the correct accent marks. Unfortunately you’re just too fancy to work here at Popeye’s Chicken.
Four Worst Feelings Ever:
4. Losing your job
3. Romantic break up
2. Death of a loved one
1. Needing to pee when you’re stuck in traffic
My upstairs neighbor/friend passed away last week. We’d exchange hilarious barbs with every encounter.
His daughter just came to the door.Her: “My Dad really loved you. He left you this to help you with transportation, Ms. Caramel.”
It was a broom! 😂🤣
When people tell me “You’re going to regret that in the morning”, I sleep til noon because I am a problem solver
luke: *tips hat* waterwalker
jesus: *tips hat* skywalker
I was going to eat a salad today, but then I remembered I’m not a rabbit.
So, wearing fur is wrong but wearing a Hawaiian shirt is OK? Do they even know how many Hawaiians had to die to make that shirt?
5: what’s for dinner
Me: chicken
5: cow chicken or human chicken?
McDonald’s has spoiled all of us with their super-charged carbonated soda. I don’t want just any Sprite. I want the Sprite that will make me see God.
When a 230 lb man yells from the shower for a towel, but you hand him a face cloth, he won’t find it nearly as funny as you do.
she died doing what she loved: looking at her phone while crossing the street
[seductively takes off mom jeans]
Me:[ziiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii—
Him: [checks watch, pays bills, watches baseball game, sends our kids off to college]
Me: —iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiip]
I had a shirt with a tag that said “tumble dry only.” I did like twenty cartwheels and it was still wet.