Connor Sadzeck Connor Happyzeck
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me at age 5: if I get a million dollars ill buy a yacht and 14 trampolines
me at age 25: if I get a million dollars ill go to the dentist and pay for express shipping on stuff
I was pretty happy getting a lot of honks for my “Honk, if you love Jesus” bumper sticker but I can’t help wondering if it’s because of that red light I sat through three times now.
What do you call 100 sheep rolling down a hill
A lambslide
My favorite thing is when my husband asks me to help him cook and then ignores literally everything I suggest and doesn’t like the resulting meal 😭
my body’s saying “let’s go,” but my heart is saying “a pet iguana is a huge responsibility, mark.”
I don’t think my neighbor knows my rule about not interacting unless we’re both pointing at the same tornado.
I just locked eyes with a man at the gym. Was it because of his massive muscles? His perfect sun kissed tan topped with nicely placed tattoos? Was it his large hands and feet? No. It was because he was eating a Caramel Apple Pop and I didn’t know you could still buy those.
ever since my girlfriend moved to Alaska she seems cold and distant
Just texted my brother to see how his fantasy football went today but it autocorrected to “what’s your fantasy” and now it seems we are closer than ever
djs are so lazy man. been listening to mixes all morning and they’re all using the same carbon monoxide alarm sample faintly in the background
Me: [from table] garćon! *claps hands* another round for my date and me.
McDonald’s cashier: sir, you have to come to the counter to order
me: i was doing crossfit on the night in question
cop: ur not even a suspect
me: i just wanted u to know
Toddler: *listening to song*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *takes a nap*Me: FINALLY! A break from that —
Brain: I’ll take it from here.
[God, creating pigeons]
Make them pace back and forth like a lawyer.
dont think ive ever laughed as hard over a halloween costume
A Guy Doing Push Ups ‘One.. Two.. Three..’
*A Girl Passes by..*
Guy: “82.. 83.. 84..”
Yesterday, I told my son about the Tooth Fairy. Today, I find 33 teeth under his pillow. Clearly they are not his. I am very, very afraid.
Don’t cry for me, Argentina,
Keep your face dry, Dubai,
No tears, Algiers,
Or from you, Peru,
Now Oman, no cry.
My therapist said that I needed to find healthier ways of expressing my anger.
So I decided to jog home after setting fire to my ex’s car.
“You can’t have your cake and eat
it too”People that don’t know how cake
works.
i wonder if jesus thinks about me when he’s on the toilet or if it’s a one way street
My husband needs a hearing aid but refuses to get one because it’s the key to our happy marriage.
If I pick up two cinder blocks and walk into the cold, cold Atlantic while we are talking please don’t take it personally
Where’s the lie? 🤣🤣
Just saw a snake slither through my backyard, so if anyone wants a house in Houston, it’s yours.
One time I hooked up with this guy and we were laying there and it was raining and I knew he wanted me to leave because he said “I got something for you” and proceeded to pull out a disposable rain poncho
My IQ used to be higher than my weight, but now I’m fat and dumb.
Double cheeseburgers don’t make you fat, eating them does.
I pooped in 8 stores today.
New record.
2 of them had restrooms.
-Guess I’m thankful for that patron who always asks for a bunch of things that don’t exist and always ends up getting mad at us.
-The guy who just called and said he’d be here in ten minutes? Why in the world does he make you feel thankful?
-Because I go on break in five minutes.