[Brings date home]
O geez did I leave all my rare, holographic Pokemon cards out on my bed again? Guess we’ll just have to lay here & battle
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My kids made a toy phone for the baby so he can call his baby friends, and I’m like, come on, be real. He’s a baby. He doesn’t have friends.
Me: why did Dexter from Dexter’s lab have a French accent?
Professor: I meant science questions
Me: my bad. Scientifically, why did Dexter have a French accent?
Everyone who works in customer service should legally be allowed to fight one customer a year.
did u kno that when a plane lands the first person to stand up gets to drive the plane for the next trip
Forgot to mute myself on a Zoom call while my kids were home and my boss gave me three extra weeks of vacation.
My followers loving my retweets but ignoring my own tweets like greedy children gobbling up junk food & ignoring their nutritious vegetables
Just failed a captcha test. Hell of a way to discover you’re a robot
A small child could swim through the veins of a blue whale’s heart. Let’s make this happen.
All I got for Christmas was a sweater, I would’ve preferred a moaner or a biter.
5 year old: “That’s a big truck!”
“It’s a moving truck.”
“ALL TRUCKS MOVE.”
Why am I the one that feels like an idiot?
[first day in the mob]
*leans over to mafioso* Hey, so, uhh, I’ve always wondered: are they all just named “Don” or…
Me: *sniffing* so hell smells like pizza…
Satan: *nodding*
Me: but just to remind me that I’ll never eat pizza again…?
Satan: *beaming* isn’t it just so evil??
Me: (through tears) so creative
no one’s wearing a mask anymore not even bank robbers
Tweet thief [secretly the Backstreet Boys] 🎶am I original?
– Naaah –
Tweet thief: 🎶am I the only one
– LOL NO –
Tweet thief: 🎶am I SEXUAL
*Awkward silence*
“We were convinced it was Monica from Friends,” said one scientist who asked to not be named
Took the kids cherry picking yesterday. 2 refused to participate and spent the whole time playing in the dirt.
Today we’re at the children museum, so of course the only thing 2 wants to do is pick fake fruit off a fake tree.
Husband: We’re invited to a dinner party
Me: Did Agatha Christie teach us nothing??
Jacob Marley: You’ll be visited by 3 gho—
Me: *already applying lipstick* Are they hot?
My lasso of truth is just an eel I point aggressively at the people I’m questioning. We have a 100% success rate.
What’s so funny?
This day in history. 1675. English king Charles II ordered that all coffee houses be closed because the populace was becoming alarmingly alert.
[face down in a bowl of hot soup]
WAITER: is everything ok?
ME: could I get a spoon or something
[getting pulled over]
ME: excuse me officer what was i doing wrong?
MOM COP: you were driving erratically. are you hungry? you seem hungry. step out of the car and eat this alphabet soup backwards for me
Me at 25: I am not going to be one of those adults who just gives up on fashion
Me at 35: I wear nightgowns as dresses because they’re softer
Billboard just announced the song of the summer. It’s the sound of your spouse chewing.
WAITER:What would you like?
ME:What would YOU like?
W:Excuse me?
M:No one ever asks you, do they?
W:*tearing up* No.. they don’t. Thank you.
*Tosses a strand of lights over the pile on the laundry chair*
The tree is up.
Does it…does it take 3 days
Getting caught under your desk and coming up with nothing in your hand is always so hard to explain.