Judge: how do you plead?
Me: [looks at lawyer]
Lawyer: [mouths “not guilty”]
Me: hot milky
L: *bangs head on desk* FFS just lock him up
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get you someone who looks at you the way this cheetah is looking at this antelope and OH SHIT never mind
I almost died last night. I woke up at 3am and MY FOOT WAS HANGING OFF THE EDGE OF THE BED. NOT EVEN UNDER THE COVERS.
Whenever I see a Toyota Prius pulled over for speeding the first thing I look for is a ACME rocket mounted on the roof.
If you hit people hard enough with a tennis racket they turn into waffles.
[God creating vultures]
How about a goth flamingo?
Let me sing you the song of my people
*moves and 97 joints pop*
This skinny girl just told me she “forgets” to eat? Is that possible? I just licked her face in case it’s contagious.
Sometimes, I look at the kids of today and think, “Thank god I’ll be dead by the time you grow up.”
The owner of my AirBnB has a dog named Kevin. His human-sounding name terrified me at first.
“Life Is a Highway” has gotta be my favorite song about having sex with a road
“Waitress!”
Waitress: “Sir?”
“Could you check the rest-room? My date has been gone 2 hours. Also, her coat has been stolen”
I may not have any friends but at least I know my cat will never ask me to help him move
Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?
Me: ha nice try
I: excuse me?
M: that’s how Lex Luthor beat Superman. I’m not stupid.
I patiently sat through a 75 hour story about my daughter’s dream and then said wow daddy would love to hear this.
Get in, octopus. We’re gonna open jars and do some taxes.
“Good morning, this is your pilot speaking”
…
“AND THIS IS YOUR PILOT SHOUTING”
…
“and this is your pilot doing some sick beatboxing”
Me: I generally dislike myself as a person but I also assume everyone I know has a crush on me
Interviewer: a job-related weakness…
I’m “I lost my car in a parking lot” years old
*clicks alarm, clicks alarm*
*silence*
Am I even in the right parking lot?
THE INVENTOR OF CLOTHES: Aren’t these wonderful?
THE INVENTOR OF CLOSETS: We need to hide those immediately.
Me: *spits soup into bucket*
Chef: This isn’t that kind of tasting.
This is gonna be the worst sex tape ever. RT @KimKardashian: What you gonna do when you have Hulk Hogan in the house!!?!!
My cat acts like he took a life insurance policy out on me and he’s the benefactor.
How am I supposed to be professional when something at work is called a dongle?
Me: My grandparents have been married for 50 years.
Friend: I can’t imagine being married for that long!
His wife: [glares at him]
Me: I don’t think you will have that problem.
if you drive a shitbox you know the code.. don’t talk smack about the shitbox or the shitbox will remind you quick who’s in charge of the situation
When I was just a little girl
I asked my mother, what will I be
Will I be pretty? Will I be rich?
Here’s what she said to me:No.
if there’s something that needs to be picked up off the floor, I think to myself “do I really need it that bad” and most of the time the answer is “no” so I just leave the baby there
I’m currently reading a book about a couple of insects who fall in love in an Italian city.
It’s a Rome ants novel.
Let’s face facts, we all secretly suspected civilisation was just a phase.
the answer was staring at me all along