everyone picked up a quirky new habit during the plague i started blaming the sun for everything
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DATING: i can’t believe we have so much in common
MARRIAGE: please don’t watch your stuff under my netflix profile
My husband started cooking right after I had cleaned the whole kitchen so he’s basically asking for a divorce.
If u love someone and they don’t love u back the first thing you need to do is make them a scrapbook with you both in little wedding outfits
Interviewer: How did you hear about the position?
Me: *sweating profusely* W-with my ears.
Told my dealer I wanted a shitload of Coke but autocorrect changed it to shipload now I owe a Columbian cartel 18 million dollars
Based on my family’s hatred for vegetables and always throwing them in the garbage, I hope I’m never in a coma.
I’m not saying I’m a conspiracy theorist, but I swear some of these typos have been planted.
My wedding will be open casket.
Scrolls Twitter
*throws phone in holy water
Scream 1996: killer uses landline; makes it until the end
Scream 2022: killer uses Facebook, twitter, insta; gets caught immediately
The most disappointing sentence in the human language is “This next song is off of our new album”.
Will not visit my brother because he has an air mattress and I refuse to sleep without my Chinese throwing stars
Apparently this Walmart cashier only brushes her favorite teeth.
“You wore that before.”
Yes, because I own a washing machine.
Lil Brain – Out of Leads
Lion: *eating me*
Me: *twirling hair* so, like, what are we?
I’ve spent the better part of my day trying to figure out why “mustache” & “headache” don’t rhyme.
I spray perfume samples in the gym bathroom like I’m a priest doing an exorcism with holy water
Last New Year my resolution was 1920×1080 , this year it’s to be less of a nerd.
wife: I wish you’d quit breaking wind at the dinner table
me: *judo chopping the air* champions are always training
I bet a woman found that F35 and it was exactly where she said it would be.
[Bat symbol lights up Gotham’s sky]
“Gordon needs me, the city needs me.”
[Robin waving flashlight around]
“Oh wow look they need me too.”
the first two drinks don’t count if you have social anxiety they just turn you into a normal person
WIFE: We want to renew our vows.
ME: *hands priest paper*
WIFE: We wrote them ourselves.
PRIEST: *pointing* What’s this word?
WIFE: “Combatant.”
when my sister was like 5 she wrote a note to the easter bunny that said “happy easter are you a boy or a girl” and my mom left a typed note that said “sorry i can’t read i’m just a bunny”
Just got 30 orange oval stickers printed that read NOW HAMSTER FREE
I’m putting them on all the meatloaf packages in this supermarket
This is what happens when an AP style journalist marries an English major and the English major edits the wedding website copy
*Stays in interrogation room after being told I’m free to leave anytime*
-Y’all have excellent wifi here. Can I possibly get more coffee?
[Horsemen tryouts]
APOCALYPSE: I like u guys but I only need 4
*Death, War, Famine, Conquest & Steve look at each other*
STEVE: dang it