Did a Yoga for Beginners class this morning. What comes before the beginner class?
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Her birthday balloon sinks to eye-level and wanders the house all night like some evil disco ghost of calligraphy.
Men in suits look really weird standing on the grass. Go back to the concrete buddy
[Wife watching news]: The tuxedo store was robbed. Know anything about that?
Me in super frilly tux: Nope
*Dog walks in also wearing tux*
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: Sadly, this male’s efforts to prepare a nest for mating are all in vain
[me crying on top of a half-put on fitted sheet]
If I knew how to pull a rabbit out of a hat I would never stop. Rabbits are great.
No one warns you about being a parent. So, be prepared to never have matching anything ever again
My wife and I take turns going to our 11-year-old’s swim meets.
Two weeks in a row, when it was my turn, the meet got canceled.
Now our daughter always wants it to be my turn.
Looks like we all just want to stay home.
Read that again implies that I read it a first time, which I most certaintly did not.
*catcher puts 1 finger down*
*pitcher shakes head*
*puts 2 fingers down*
*nods*
(catcher to umpire)
“can we take a break? he has to poop”
ME: goodnight honey
WIFE: goodnight
EVIL BULLFROG THAT LIVES UNDER OUR BED: *angry ribbit ribbit*
BOTH OF US (in unison): goodnight evil bullfrog
*happy ribbit ribbit*
Pharaohs were buried with their arms crossed over their chests because ancient Egyptians believed they took a waterslide into the afterlife.
[seance]
wife: “if there are any spirits here please show us a sign”
me:
wife:
me:
wife: “keith, say something”
me: “im scared”
[glass starts to move on ouija board]
H I S C A R E D
me: “goddamnit dad”
All I’ve ever really wanted is a modest little home, nothing fancy. A usable kitchen, a yard for the dog, a sprawling bookcase-accessible secret Victorian library with a minimum of three rolling ladders and a kindly ghost librarian. I don’t ask for much.
So many great jazz musicians were hardcore drug addicts because they had to put up with listening to so much jazz music all the time.
people who dress up for flights who’re you trying to impress? the clouds? the beverage cart? the boy in seat 12B with the perfect almond eyes and the windswept hair with the crooked smile and those perfect freckles peppered across his nose? grow up
I read that playing mind games will keep your brain sharp. I’ll start tonight by acting like I’m not mad when I really am mad.
As an adult you’re either extremely dehydrated or have to pee every 5mins, there is no in between.
My husband & I finally have an afternoon away from the kids. And then our son texts the family group chat:
“So do we have super glue?”
So the mullet is back but ffs don’t bring back the rat’s tail.
I tried to be domestic & cook. Microwave is on fire. A waffle maker, 3 pans, a toaster & my neighbors cat in the trash. Making soup is HARD!
“That wasn’t chicken in the Chow Mein”
I’d make a great Fortune Cookie writer.
“Fed-Ex is coming to kill us all!” ~my dog
Life hack :
Receive a wide assortment of yellow, orange, pink and red envelopes, free of charge, simply by not paying your bills.
[Me getting cut off in traffic]
GET OFF YOUR PHONE AND WATCH WHERE YOU’RE GOING!
[Notices USMC sticker]
AND THANK YOU FOR YOUR SERVICE!
No good deed goes unposted on social media.
Me: how old is your daughter?
Person: she’s 31 months
Me: ok but like how old in minutes?
It’s raining.
I’m going to be late for work.
I can’t fit my hair in the car.
me: yes, i’m very sexually active and i only drink socially.
doctor: i haven’t asked you anything yet
ROBIN: How come you wear dark colors but make me wear a bright yellow cape?
BATMAN: [under his breath] It’s called a bullet magnet.
ROBIN: What?
BATMAN: What?
[at the general store]
me: one general please