Bought a bag of frozen chopped onions because wedding confetti should be biodegradable and bird safe.
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I’m not sure but I think the family from Honey Boo Boo is just a family of bears that were shaved down and shown how to shit indoors.
Netflix documentaries convinced me I should be vegan. So I did what any American would do. I bought some bacon and canceled Netflix.
me as a child: I want dinosaur chicken nuggets
me as an adult: I want dinosaur chicken nuggets
me on my death bed: I want dinosaur chicken nuggets
doctor: I’m going to take out your appendix
me: oh okay *shouts at my belly* YOU HAVE A SUITOR
ME: I have zero interest in owning a parrot.
CLERK: This parrot is 80% off.
ME: I will take 4 parrots.
Her: I bought a wireless bra today.
Him: What’s the password?
my mom: “please don’t rile up the dogs when we get home”
me as soon as i see the dogs:
Taco Bell: try this new thing
Me: what is it
TB: does it matter
Me: no I’ll take 3
My grocery list.
1. Don’t run into anyone you know.
2. Eggs
The first person who started winking at others was probably the creepiest human ever.
It’s been a horrible morning so far. My ex got run over by a bus, and I lost my job as a bus driver 🙁
They should make fortune cookies with more obtainable fortunes:
You will vacuum the living room.
You will run into the coffee table.
Genie: And your second and third wish?
Me: [just killing it on banjo now that my fingers are slightly less fat than they used to be] No need
my mother is taking me to see the monday matinee showing of the barbie movie as a mother should.
one time i was taking a cpr training class and someone did cpr so hard on the manikin that the head popped off and then she went to lunch and never came back
I’ve always wanted a monkey, so I bought one today.
Anyway. Monkey for sale.
I don’t really like pie, but I will still eat six pieces to be polite.
JOSEPH AND MARY: We’ll stay in the manger, we don’t care
INN MANAGER: Fine. Just don’t make a scene
Give a man a fish and he’ll say “Sir put that back in the tank.” Teach a man to fish and he’ll say “ok pal, it’s time you left the aquarium”
How excited are you, on a scale from 1 to white woman who just found out that this dinner party has sangria?
“I will NEVER forget that one time you wrote a word in all caps”
-my phone
Hairdresser: [holding up mirror] what do you think?
Me: [horrified] I love it
I punched my monitor
Now my hand Hz.
Him: I have successfully bred the first bald porcupine
Me: How pointless
Came home to find 13 doing the dishes without being asked.
Now I’m just waiting on the police to get here with the news of whatever he did.
I’ve known my drug dealer since I was this high.
*daughter reading
*son playing ipod
*dog sleeping
*house quiet
*I go take a dump
FISTFIGHT BREAKS OUT, DOG’S ON FIRE
2022 will be better than 2021
9/10 students agree that someone got lost on the field trip
I only like surprises when I am not in a public toilet.