San Francisco has too many rules
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My 3yo just straight-faced handed me a mirror and asked if I wanted to see something yucky!
Me: I love fresh bed linen
Doctor: OK, but maybe stop eating it?
I was talking to my son and he casually pulled a bag of chips out from under his pillow, and started eating without breaking eye contact
He living his best life
Standing in the snow on a sub-zero morning, holding a steaming bag of poop, I begin to question my ‘dogs are better than people’ philosophy.
I realized if I whisper at Alexa, she whispers back
I wish it worked on everyone
Me: My brother was in an accident & lost his hand.
Her: OMG, is he OK?
Me: Yes, it was his left hand so
Her: Don’t do it
Me: he’s all right
Batman had the bat signal.
If you need to get my attention, hold a Roast Beef Sandwich over a floor lamp and aim it at my apartment.
The cat seems really pissed off. He must have only had 22 hours sleep.
Showed up to basic training wearing denim short pants.
I got jort-martialed
So Nickelback is playing a flood relief concert for Alberta. Like those folks haven’t suffered enough.
9-1-1 help, someone buried me alive *looks at phone* christ, and there’s no wifi
ER Nurse: Let me get this straight. You microwaved your food for too long and burned the inside of your mouth?
Me (mouthful of bandaids): Yesh.
@thefunnytweeter With the way my diet is going, I think I’ll be much more slimmer after this quarantine.
[killer in horror movie suddenly appears]
me: *sighing* ugh I JUST sat down
If you eat a block of cheese and do a lunge, it should balance out, right?
Actually, it was less lunge, more trip, but still.
“Ah, Mr Bond, I-”
*closes laptop lid and pulls up trousers*
“-wasn’t expecting you.”
“You can definitely fit thru there…just get a running start”
~ whiskey
Date: What do you do?
Me *holds up menu* you just choose a meal from this book of food
I don’t want to work for 5 days a week and figure out what to cook for dinner everyday. I want to lay on a rock in the sun like a lizard.
A friend was talking about her cat bringing her another dead mouse and my ADHD brain did a side quest imagining my snake calling a cat for Door Dash.
cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
me: I’m not psychic, Craig
cop: my name is Greg
me: I work at Starbucks
[sees girl reading The Catcher in the Rye]
“Ah I love that book. The way he just [clenches fist] catches all that frickin rye.”
Just bent over and heard a snap. Was hoping it was a broken rib but turns out it was the underwire in my last good bra snapping 😭
When you take your relationship with your Roomba to the next level.
Roombae.
Finally; someone explained Bitcoin in a way I can understand
[ walking down the soap and detergent isle at the store ]
14: it smells like chores in here
Family: So how did you two meet?
Me: Tinder.
Family: What’s Tinder?
Me: It’s a game site.
My ex is going through hard times during the current lockdown,
so I’ve sent her some food parcels using “Fed Ex”.#lockdownUKnow #foodparcel #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
If I were rich, I’d buy stuff I wouldn’t even use. Like helicopters or soap.
God: thou shall not covet thy neighbor’s wife
Joseph:
God: starrrrrting now