why are there sports bars but not cute bars where u can sip wine and cheer for competitive cooking shows?
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Wife: [eyes me suspiciously] have you been using my shampoo and conditioner again?
Me: [brushing my volumized, shiny, tangle-free, plumeria & jasmine smelling hair] no.
Mom, can teenagers drink coffee?
-my 5yo, planning ahead
If you do happen to find the house giving out the drugs you should give me the address and I’ll most definitely report it to the proper authority people
Me: *considering sleeping in*
My dog: No no no no no let’s go let’s go let’s gooooo.
The actors are getting so old in the Fast and Furious franchise, the next movie will be them stuck in a grocery store parking lot
Has anyone else noticed what beautiful eyelashes giraffes have, or am I just lonely?
4yo: What do you love most in the world?
Me: You & your brother
4yo: Oh
Me: What about you?
4yo: The fire tree in Plants vs. Zombies
Me: Oh
“i’ll be back”
–arnold schwarzenegger getting into a 2-man horse costume
[waits until purge night to illegally download music]
Netflix and Will…
…you stop trying to touch me?
You think your wife is crazy now?
Try divorcing her
Lackadaisical: when you have misplaced your daisical.
Hell yeah I wanna save a draft of that unaddressed email with nothing in the body.
Birds wouldn’t be so smug in zero gravity, I bet
girls on tinder will say “your parents will love me but your neighbors won’t” like what are you gonna do? start mowing at 7am on a saturday??
Detective: Don’t leave town.
Me, thinking about gas money: Ok
Me: ‘This may be the booze talking, but that is a VERY snazzy outfit you have on there.’
Cop: ‘Step out of the car, please.’
Lynyrd Skynyrd
Lyonyl Rychye
Men only want ONE THING and it’s to have a portrait hidden in their attic that becomes ugly and twisted while they remain young and beautiful forever
Pal: That’s an impressive stingray. How’d you catch it?
Me:*flashes back to being dressed as girl stingray* You know, the regular way.
Told my roommate that megamillions was up to $825 million and she said, “yeah but that’s only $400 million after taxes”. Our kitchen is in our living room.
SON: Jake’s dad is so cool, he took him to Disney World!
ME: well, what if I did that?
SON: omg you’re the best![Next week at Disney World]
“Can’t believe we’re here!”
ME: Thank my son when we get home Jake, it was his idea
I’m not an actress but I play one on the phone when the lady asks me if I have a pen to write down the confirmation code.
Great, iTunes terms and conditions has changed and my attorney is on vacation. Just perfect.
The way my 12 year old is using commas makes it sound like Christopher Walken wrote her essay.
[Guy sees octopus doing squats at the gym on 4 legs]
“You doing legs today?”Octopus: Yeah my fourarms hurt.
To some, it’s known as “soda.” Some call it “pop.” Some even order it as “coke” or “cola.” The spicy bubble brown juice goes by many names
My boss: If you say “that would make a great band name” one more time I have to fire you.
Me, looking at a box that says “Hand Soap Refill”: It has been a pleasure working with you
Friend: How are you doing?
Me *reading a book about the identification & use of medicinal plants, so that I have a viable apocalypse skill to barter on the offchance of a complete societal breakdown* Fine.
Lmbo