[Shopping]
Him: Those cans aren’t dented, right? I don’t want botulism.
Me: Don’t worry. The arsenic I put in your food will balance it out.
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i like calling a man my “former lover” because then it sounds like it happened in france and not in the bonefish grill parking lot
Just ran a .3K (Ice cream truck wouldn’t stop)
I never had a childhood bully, but I do have a toddler, so same.
*Infrastructure naming conference *
Crab : Let’s name it it the sidewalk
Other animals :Why should we do that we literally walk straight?
Crab:
Other animals :
Crab:
Other animals:
Crab :
Other animals :Okay we get it
Me *points gun at clerk*: stick ’em up!! Put Algebra 25 and *looks at college syllabus* Psychology 15 in the backpack!
the prophecy has been fulfilled
ME: stay away from the cat
MY DOG: perhaps this time will be
d i f f e r e n tME: ur gonna get scratched again
MY DOG: [approaching cat anyway] brøther. brøther i crave the ꜰᴏʀʙɪᴅᴅᴇɴ ᴄᴜᴅᴅʟᴇꜱ.
*releases helium-filled heart balloon*
Me: You’re free now
Balloon: Ima choke a bird
been making the same muffin recipe forever and tonight I finally remembered it by heart. I can’t express how good it felt to know exactly what to do and how disgusting they tasted because I forgot the eggs.
I tried some Dirty Dancing in a neighbour’s herb garden. I had the thyme of my life.
“Where can I find the paper towels?”
“Who’s asking?”
Just got 30 orange oval stickers printed that read NOW HAMSTER FREE
I’m putting them on all the meatloaf packages in this supermarket
You think your wife is crazy now?
Try divorcing her
I was in long distance relationship for eight years with my Mr. before we got married. So, believe me when I tell you, I’ve never missed anyone as much as I miss my cleaning lady.
I’m not afraid of spiders.
I’m afraid of people who are afraid of spiders.
Please stop screaming and put down the hammer.
Embarrassed that our five year old walked into the bedroom at 2am and saw us pulling the blanket to hide our phones and cheese sticks
“For I am Christ the Redeemer, He Who Saves!”- Jesus, using his coupons.
*gets on knees and prays*
Please Harry and Meghan on House Hunters International
When I die I don’t want a big funeral. I’d just like a few of my close friends to get together and try to bring me back to life…
You legally aren’t married until someone says, “haha but seriously” in their wedding speech.
For my next trick I will bust 8 kneecaps with a single kick.
*steps on a spider*
Ouija boards are officially obsolete, now that the dead can read messages addressed to them on Facebook.
911: What’s you’re emergency?
ME: You mean “your”?
911: OK. So..?
ME: Someone’s murdering me
911: You mean “murdered”
ME:..
911: [dial tone]
why are we always standing after being corrected? imma have a seat after this devastating defeat thanks
[walks into living room and sees a stranger is sitting on the couch]
Me: WHO ARE YOU AND WHAT DO YOU WANT?!
14 yo son: I came downstairs to see if dinner is ready.
Me: I don’t like where this is going
Driver: You ordered this Uber!
God: you’re a giraffe.
Giraffe: yay!
God: you have a very long neck.
Giraffe: so I always know when it’s raining first?
God: uh-sure.
Giraffe: omg I’m a walking weather app!
God: no-
Giraffe: there’s a 10% chance of rain w/55% humidity.
God:
Giraffe: feels like 72 : )
please sir. my succotash. it’s suffering.
me: could you put this ring at the bottom of my date’s champagne glass
waiter: [refusing to take the funyun] no
According to the signage in my state, guys named Ray own car repair shops or adult bookstores.