I had a crazy dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was, like, 0mg!
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Me: What’s the point if it’s not a little violent, dirty? I wanna feel alive. The blood makes me feel ALIVE.
Dentist: Please just floss more
I only use shampoo that smells like raspberries so people don’t think it’s weird when I have jam in my hair.
“GO TO YOUR ROOM AND STAY THERE”
KID: *goes kicking and screaming*
TEEN: You can’t do this, I have plans tonight
ADULT: Thank you so much
Open an ice cream shop with flavors like “don’t be sad,” “they’re not worth it,” “you deserve better” and see if people don’t flock right in
They should hire this cat for L’Oréal Commercial.
They should change the name from all you can eat pancake breakfast to 4 or 5 pancakes at most
succession fans be like “the next episode is gonna be CRAZY” and the episode in question is “sign this piece of paper” “no”
can’t a grown man in a phantom of the opera face mask just go grocery shopping like everybody else!? geeze.
Teacher: We’re going to need you to work with your daughter on humility.
Me: I was never good with weather stuff but I’ll give it a shot.
djs are so lazy man. been listening to mixes all morning and they’re all using the same carbon monoxide alarm sample faintly in the background
my friend trusts me to be around her boyfriend alone because i’m basically her scary father he’s forced to bond with to earn my respect
“I bring you news from the front, m’lord. Food bowls are empty, litter boxes are full, and the natives are getting restless.”
Homophobic parents are right to be worried about their children turning gay after lessons about LGBT awareness. I lived as a Tudor wench for 2 years following a history class.
Dating profiles should make you share a sound bite of you sneezing.
HR: Do you know why you’re here?
Me: Telling my manager I was praying when he caught me sleeping?
HR:
Me: …the pro wrestling match in the cubicle?
HR:
Me: …that whole Flashdance routine at the holiday party?
HR:
Me: Maybe I should just let you tell me.
Kid: Mommy, can we get a pineapple?
Mom: No, sweetie. I don’t know how to cut them.
Kid: I know Mommy! You use a knife.
[Listening to Natalie Imbruglia’s ‘Torn’ while warm, unashamed, standing fully clothed on the ceiling] I can’t relate to this
[standing in front of Stonehenge]: is this all it does
*Password looks at itself in the mirror*
“Don’t listen to Google. You are a strong, confident password.”
We went to a museum and I fell in love with my kids all over again after seeing an obnoxious exhibit called other kids
I’m 25, which means I’m just as far from 10 as I am from 40.
Although, in terms of money and maturity, I’m still way closer to 10.
Apparently, saying “Wow, you’ve grown since I last saw you” isn’t deemed socially acceptable when said to adults.
Boss: “We are all going to have a bunch of Red Bull, bust out the chest of Adderall, be laser focused for about 4 hours, then die.”
When walking by the school’s lost and found area dads can’t stop themselves from saying “you wanna go shopping, get a new coat?”
“I really like Eminem.”
” I prefer smarties.”
“No, the rapper.”
“Why would you eat the wrapper?”
#FridayVibes #RubbishJokes
I don’t want to party like it’s 1999, I want to go grocery shopping like it is.
Her: You don’t want me to get fat do you?
Me: Get?
[JAIL VISITATION]
WIFE: I got u a cake
ME: U know I don’t like sugar
W: U need a BREAK, OUT of ur diet
M: It’s not a diet, it’s a lifestyle
Flex on your mother in-law by leaving nursing home pamphlets lying around the house.
Chips are not only delicious, but if you crunch them loud enough you can’t hear your children anymore.