Me: How bout we head over to my place?
Her: Nope
Me: I have a dog…
Her: Get in I’ll drive
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“Is white wine all you have?”
No, I can do any
Just found seven Easter eggs while putting up Halloween decorations.
sounds kinky. i’m in.
Either this rapid COVID test is defective or I didn’t pee on it long enough.
Ever have that fantasy of pulling over on the side of the highway and running into the woods and disappearing for a few years?
Just me?
I work with some really great people. They’re reliable, they’re honest and they never cause any problems. I don’t fit in at all.
I think I sprained my hot dog eatin’ wrist
her: my parents are gone 😉
liam neeson: ok when did u see them last
Not everyone was Kung foo fighting
I was just trying to get out of my sports bra
If you ever come across a bear in the wild, throw a tiny bicycle at him.
Then, just let his circus instincts take care of the rest.
Clerk: we’re not that kind of mom and pop shop
Batman: *eyes welling*
just bought $250 worth of there’s nothing to eat
shut up and take my money
“Not my circus, not my monkeys” is done. Let’s switch it to “not my pigs, not my blanket.”
There is no amount of money I wouldn’t pay for a remote control that could walk itself over to me from the other side of the room.
Nice Confederate flag bro, way to commemorate coming in second place in a civil war.
Hate when you’re walking behind someone & want to pass them & then they start the “drift” & you both crash into a shelf of glass figurines.
I don’t always look at my phone at a red light; but when I do, I look up to see a cop right beside me.
God: *frowns*
Angel: Sorry. I thought you said let there be peas on earth.
LIAM NEESON: I will look for you, I will find you, and I will ki-
*my phone battery dies*
ME: omg
WIFE: omg
ME: Liam Neeson’s gonna kiss me
saying “we won” after watching a sports game is like saying “we played really well” after watching a concert
Ghosting is such a fun word for something so sad
Like put away your big white sheets and throw away your casper dvds gang we’re going to play with abandonment issues
Airport security doesn’t let you through with a wine opener, apparently. Even if you tell them, “It’s okay, I’m just a harmless alcoholic.”
Most arachnophobes end up secretly being spiders themselves
Do people who go ice fishing know you can actually make your own ice?
My dentist reminded me of my wife’s sensitive gag reflex. We laughed & laughed.
Then I remembered that my wife & I have different dentists.
A boogaloo is just a haunted igloo.
*Asks soulmate*
What is your dream car and why?Minivan, because the sliding door <joining in> MAKES IT EASIER FOR DRIVE-BY BAZOOKA ATTACKS
My professor handed back our 3 page film essays to my surprise I got a C after class I asked her why “you were supposed to write it about the movie The Emperor of Time.. you wrote it on The Emperor’s new Groove but it was kinda good so I didn’t fail you” so thats how im doing