I once brought great shame to my children by telling the drive-thru attendant I’d take as many ketchup packets as he could give me.
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Just realized the little piggy that went to market was NOT just going shopping so I’mma need to shut it down for a day.
me: there’s a bloody oar in the water
friend: that’s foreboding
me: shut up gary, I know what they’re for
Well, that should do it
We usually make prime rib for Christmas dinner but with the prices of beef we’ve had to make some slight adjustments.
[Christmas dinner]
Me [serving guests]: More ramen?
“I feel your pane”- Guy walking into your window.
If you eat tuna fish, & then you eat cake, you need to get a new fork. Trust me. 🤢
Accidentally triple-knotted my laces so I guess I’m wearing these shoes for the rest of my life.
Good morning to everyone except people that can tell the difference between ‘Under Pressure’ and ‘Ice Ice Baby’ as soon at the song starts.
When I was younger I wished Hulk Hogan would be the president. Now that I’m older I wish Hulk Hogan would be the president.
Have you ever felt like something was touching your face at night? Don’t you worry. It’s just a MOTH, DRINKING YOUR TEARS WHILE YOU SLEEP.
me: jesus, all i have in the cupboard is two tins of tuna fish, an expired box of jello, and egg noodles
1950’s cookbook author’s ghost, calling from hell: well well well, not so high and mighty now, are we?
The one thing I think most parents need to realize is, there’s absolutely no secrets that your child doesn’t share about you in the classroom.
Though this is probably not what Nietzsche had in mind, you cannot unsee this
ME: and so I think morale would soar & sales would take off if the lunchroom had a Nintendo
BOSS: [from inside bathroom stall] can this wait
Guy doing yoga
Me: Poser!
If you wait until the last minute to do something it only takes a minute to do it.
TERMINATOR: Come with me if you *really* want to live.
[montage of them going to art galleries, swimming with dolphins, sky diving etc]
the divorce rate among my socks is astonishing
[showing my family to coworker]
This is a picture of my daughter & my cat. Mittens & Jack.
“You named your daughter Jack?”
Nope, mittens
The worst place to be quote tweeted…Divorce Papers
Freezing cake does not impede eating.
Stiff calories are still delicious.
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date: when the waiter said there’s your food, did you say “okey dokey”?
Me: ok you heard that
I consider page 2 of google results the dark web.
I want to open a shelter for neglected and forgotten passwords.
Please stop saying that a problem is a “real pickle.” Pickles are delicious, store well, and have zero calories. You are a problem. Pickles are fine.
People who don’t use contractions scare the shit out of me. “I will be there” okay with what a machete
(during sex)
Don’t move! Don’t move! A pickle and the second of my two all-beef patties is stuck in your hair.
Took my kids out to dinner & was quickly reminded why I never take them out to dinner.
Me: Raise your right hand. No, your other hand. Your other hand. Your other hand. Your other hand. Your other hand. How many hands do you have??
Octopus:
I realize that choosing a pasta can be a confusing and difficult decision, but for the love of all that is holy, move your cart to the side.