Just heard they’re investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT’S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE
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Made the mistake of laughing at something my 7yo said and thus entered into a 72-hour hell spiral of listening to him repeat the same joke over and over and over and over…
My 5-year-old just muttered “Time for plan L.”
I don’t know what plans A through K were, but it sounds like he’s having a worse day than me
Still laughing at this stupid meme
One time I said “might be the alternator” when the car didn’t start because I actually don’t know anything about cars. Anyway I was quickly exposed by my wife who said “pretty sure it’s because you’re using the house key”.
INTERVIEWER: You put “summoning demons” as a special skill?
ME: That’s right.
INTERVIEWER: *sweating profusely* When can you start?
*throws $100 bill into a wishing well* I wish I was good with money
“Marines!”
“SIR, YES SIR!”
“Get ready to deploy at 05:00 sharp–HUGHES WHERE IN THE SHIT ARE YOU GOING!?”
“That’s too early I quit.”
absolutely convinced that at least half the time when the optometrist flips the lens and says which is better, one or two, there’s no difference and they’re either trying to trick me or see if i can be trusted
Just threw a ghost boomerang. That’s gonna come back to haunt me.
Ladies, if you receive flowers with no card on them today they’re from me.
DOCTOR: Mrs. Nice Guy? I’m so sorry, but I have some terrible news…
The government is dysfunctional and needs to be fixed I’ll probably fall in love with it any minute
My cat just showed it’s holiday spirit by pooping tinsel.
Given the memory span of a goldfish…
[ first day as a bartender ]
*takes a sip of the drink while it’s still on the counter because I over filled it*
Missing area man described as boringly conventional, was easily found by multiplying height x width.
I Just Watched The Simpsons For The First Time. Bart’s Grades Are… Disturbing
Attention Prayer Warriors: My neighbor left town for a funeral today. Please pray for God to protect & guide me as I steal his barbecue pit.
Is your GPS supposed to sigh before it says “Recalculating”?
[finishing last sip of wine]
waiter: would you like another glass?
me: no just refill this one
YOU (trying to insult me): I bet you’re fun at parties
ME (insulted but the wrong way): I am not! How dare you
I always say “Beep beep! Tough guy alert!” when I see a guy in a Tap Out shirt so he knows I know he’s a tough guy.
[first day in a hair band]
Singer: you’re bald
Me: yes, I lied on my resume
Manager: Why do you want to work at Comcast?
Applicant: I’ll get you an answer in about a week.
Manager: Brilliant! You’re hired.
A time machine. But just to go back and eat the donuts I once refused.
Harold & Kumar Go to White Castle (2004, R): Harold and Kumar go to White Castle
Wife: I think we need a break.
*Titanic crashes into iceberg*Husband: THAT WHAT YOU WANTED?
Wife: Yes.
I’ll never forget my 8th grade teacher. She was a 12-foot snake monster. Had 4 heads. Ate 7 desks. Killed a kid. Really made an impression.
Interviewer: How do you respond to criticism?
Me: Violently.
Interviewer:
Me:
Interviewer: No further questions.