STOP ACTING LIKE THIS GROCERY STORE GIFT CARD ISN’T ROMANTIC. WHO DOESN’T LIKE FOOD?
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Three men are on a boat
They have four cigarettes but nothing to light them with.
So?
So they throw one cigarette overboard and the boat becomes a cigarette lighter.
Nurse at the doctor’s office took my blood pressure, and I swear she was one pump away from hearing my safe word.
Please take the smartphone away from your pets, they are spamming your Facebook with selfies.
Bird: Good morning! How are you?
Me: Oh my God! You can talk!
Bird *tapping his Bluetooth ear piece*: I missed what you said, some jackass is shouting at me.
If you say “no ifs, ands, or buts”, then get ready for a shitload of “shoulds”, “as well as”, and “howevers”.
I hate it when my Wife says that we need to talk.
It’s always “What’s wrong with you?” and never about sports, beer or bikini models.
INTERVIEWER: Why do you want to work here?
ME: *crumbs tumbling from my mouth* Oh, I don’t. I was just walking by and saw you had donuts.
Not gonna make it, my 7yo wants to tie his own shoes.
*spelling bee*
Me: b-e-e
Judge 1: No, sir, wait until we tell-
Me: B-E-E
Judge 2: I mean, he’s not wrong
My husband: *finishes vacuuming*
Me: *asserts dominance, by maintaining eye contact with him while handing the kids a bag of crackers*
Our neighborhood watch is just dogs barking warnings every time they see a squirrel.
Got a phone call and the caller ID said NYC Human. That sure narrows down the list of who it can be doesn’t it?
coworkers whispering: why does he wash it if he’s gonna peel it?
me leaving the break room with a wet banana: morning guys
Good thing most planes have TVs. Nothings worse than having to look out the window at Earths sacred majesty from the point of view of angels
God: What’s that?
Noah: The aquarium
God: For what?
Noah: The fish
God: Fish can survive floods
Noah: *kicks llama* YOU SAID EVERY ANIMAL
There are 4 stages in life
1)You believe in Santa Claus
2)You don’t believe in Santa Claus
3)You are Santa Claus
4)You look like Santa Claus
Which undead creature most enjoys playing hide-and-seek?
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.
.
.
.
.
A wherewolf.#happyhalloween
[describing criminal to sketch artist] He had the damp chest of a man with an excessive lisp. He was eating a newspaper.
I needed this today. He takes a break. Lol
nurse: name?
me: david
nurse: age?
me: 35
nurse: sex?
me: almost once
I never understood why people get buried in suits. When I die bury me in my PJ’s. If I’m gonna be sleeping that long I wanna be comfortable.
Just saw that french fries, sugar, and coffee speed up the aging process, so my age right now is 172.
The bathroom stall at a place like Costco really has no business being out of toilet paper.
Watching Jaws with my 6 year old because I’m sick of going to the beach
Me: I like naughty girls
Baby daughter: *pukes on the floor*
Me: Not you
BY THIRTY FIVE YOU SHOULD HAVE SAVED HALF OF YOUR RETIREMENT WHICH IS EASY IF YOUR RETIREMENT PLAN IS TO WADE INTO THE SEA
date: i think i’ve been here before
me: really? this is my first fancy french restaurant
date: i’m definitely having deja vu
me: nice [hands menus back to waiter] make that 2 deja vus please
For the love of God, what is Jesus saving? Is it coupons? I bet it’s coupons
On my flight to Montreal, the 20 something sitting next to me passed on her in flight snacks. I don’t understand this generation.
I need a treadmill with a reward system.
Run 10k, here’s a pizza.