serial killer: you’re in for a slow and agonizing death
me: so you’re gonna let me live
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Client – is your boss available
Receptionist – he’s currently una –
Me – he’s been in the bathroom for almost 20 damn minutes
CDC: To prevent coronavirus stay home, avoid physical contact and don’t go into large crowds.
Introverts: I’ve been preparing for this moment my entire life.
“How does Dracula get his hair so perfect without a mirror? Oh questions about the job? No I’m good.”
FRIEND: and this is my pug
PUG: oink
ME: (thinkig to self) did that pug just say “oink”
Teach your children to beatbox
Real men don’t need guns. One time I beat a burglar to death with a sleeve of Ritz crackers and used the crumblings for a casserole crust.
Nephew loses one of a kind, antique, family heirloom.
-Lord of the Rings
★☆☆☆☆
The UPS person who always found Wile E. Coyote in the middle of the desert for same day deliveries is the real hero.
My kids are starting to ask questions that I don’t know the answers to so I’m going to have to trade them in for dumber models.
Career day:
Hi kids I’m Bills Dad and I work at the local morgue. Who wants to pet a dead body?”
The elites don’t want you to know this but the ducks at the park are free you can take them home I have 458 ducks
Yesterday I was very irritated so I read some Shakespeare and today I am sorely vexed.
Genuinely stunned France has adopted the word “wifi” rather than “le signal librement accessible sans l’utilisation de fils” or some shit.
Stars! They’re just like us! Gaseous and dying
Siri’s on her period. she needs an iPad
Whenever a girl is talking too much, remind yourself that other thing she does with her mouth that you like so much. Might dull the pain 😉
Oh yeah I was in a gang in high school! Well not like a real gang, it was more of a Trigonometry Club. But we still flashed sines.
My mother wanted grandchildren, so I changed the ring on her phone to the ice cream truck song so she can attract one.
I have boogers but they are too big for these holes.
-my 5 yo on blowing his nose.
To stay safe in a fire, remember the acronym “DBOF”:
Don’t
Be
On
Fire
Dumped girl on The Bachelor: “What’s wrong with me?”
Well, Lindsay, you’re on a TV show to find a husband. What ISN’T wrong with you?
i love modern commerce
Nobody in this grocery store thinks I’m a good bowler. Also, clean up in aisle four.
Mcdonald’s is the true nemesis of anyone trying to lose weight.
Their Arch enemy, you might say.
I’m not upset that you stopped my sneeze. I’m upset because you made my face look stupid for no reason.
ME: Table for 7 please
WAITER: Hahahahahahaha
ME: 7-p-m. Just me
WAITER: Okay that makes more sense
Them: Oh, you only need a few pounds of tannerite 👌🏼
You’re 15 and miss the 90’s? Yeah, I’m sure those were the best 2 years of your life. Shitting in your pants and eating dirt.
“If something goes wrong, we’ll just go to a blue DOS screen and dump out an indecipherable log of what happened”.
This was a choice made.
captain: listen up, i need some help writing the number two in roman numerals
crew: I I captain