I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again bc I have a terrible memory
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Twitter creates a false sense of intimacy because who else spends as much time with you in the bathroom?
[CREATING GROUNDHOGS]
GOD: a rat dog
ANGEL: check
GOD: that whispers to white people
ANGEL: what?
GOD: about the weather
ANGEL:
I’ll never forget the day we met. That’s the great thing about police records
*friends describing me on Dateline*
She was nothing special. Didn’t light up a room or anything. Just kinda blended into the wallpaper.
If you encounter a bear in the wilderness, sing a Coldplay song. You’ll die, but the bear will suffer too.
Yes, I would take a bullet for you.
We’re still talking about shoplifting at the ammo store right?
Kinda rude TikTok has “hiding your double chin hacks” in my algorithm.
when i was in school i was doing my french speaking exam and i started crying cause i literally couldn’t do it and my french teacher said ‘it’s okay you’re not the worst, the girl before you answered the questions in english with a french accent’ and i could not breathe omg
Thanks, Google, probably could have managed those last two letters myself
My siblings and me have a tradition where we all put in $100 to give to whoever’s birthday it is. So since it’s 6 of us, on each of our birthdays we get $500 to celebrate. Today is my little brothers 30th birthday and he texted us at 5am for his money lol
Animal testing is pointless. We already know they’re animals.
The anger from one Canada goose, if harnassed properly, could power Toronto for a year
I came this close!!!!
My fear of cockroaches started when I hit one with a rolled up magazine and it held up a tiny ‘LOL’ sign and ran under the fridge.
Wife: “If I die first, I want you to remarry.”
Me: “Wow. Do you really hate me that much?”
37% of the 90’s was all about jumping.
I swear to god I’m not harassing you, I’m really out of shape that’s just my labored breathing
“STOP TELLING ME WHAT TO DO”, I yell to my 5 year old.
I wonder if the woman sitting in front of me at this game knows I can see every sexy text she sends her man as she sits close beside her other man.
Sorry I was late. I was trying to explain to my son how an octopus has 8 legs but not 8 feet.
Please look at this text I just received from my boyfriend and yes you have the same amount of context as I do
Hey girls, you are not a “mommy” just because you own a dog. You have to have a kid to be a mommy. If you are a mommy, then I am a dragon.
*spends 30 minutes trying to unzip my pants to have sex for the first time*
*girlfriend sighs*
“Just take off the mittens”
MY HANDS ARE COLD
[physicist excited about a misprinted real estate flyer]
“Honey, check this out! Four mathrooms!”
Me: I’m tired
My brain: turn on the tv
Me: but I need sleep
My brain: go pay some bills
Me: I’m so exhausted
My brain: oRgAnIzE yOuR sPiCes
If you actually call it junk drawer you’ll stop putting stuff in it and another drawer becomes official junk drawer
It’s not about how funny you are, it’s about how funny people think you are. And the majority of people are mentally retarded.
With Girls Gone Wild bankrupt wild girls no longer have a home. Many of them will be put down. Please. Adopt a wild girl. Before she’s gone.
If you’re gonna murder me in my house at least help me straighten it up a little for the crime scene photos.
Basically every plane is missing to me. I couldn’t tell you where a single plane is