captain: hand in your gun
me: *staring down barrel* the most I can fit is a finger
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[Biden runs into the oval office]
“Barack, ISIS are on the phone. They want a shipment of updog. I asked what it is but they just laughed”
Why jurors are not allowed to have cellphones in the courthouse:
Me, taking a selfie in the jury box: feeling cute, might convict someone later.
She was rare, like a goth jogging
if I were in a comic book I would never wear clothes, I would just constantly scream a huge speech bubble over my body
Co-Worker: You say apparently a lot.
Me: Yes, I know.
CW: It really bothers me.
M: Apparently so.
CW: You don’t care.
M: Apparently not.
I feel tired and weak. Probably just getting older and nothing is wrong. Well, time to read the news
Me: *successfully puts out fire* Did I pass?
Cooking instructor: No.
If I were the dinosaurs I would simply use my enormous tail to bonk the asteroid back into space
Someone hugged me at the office Christmas party and now they know my safe word.
I’m really happy being single
Unfortunately my husband doesn’t agree!
[first date]
HIM: Can I call you sometime?
HER: [slowly slides napkin over phone] You can’t… I lost my phone
OMG, GODZILLA IS COMING TO ATTACK NEW ENGLAND AND WE’RE ALL GONNA DIE-oh, he said huge blizzard, not lizard… Carry on then.
Before the invention of the automobile, you had to put roller skates on your horse
Why did they call it bacon fat and not oinkment omg I’m so sorry
Me: please don’t tell my dad you’re a politician
*Later*
My dad: so what do you do?
Him: I get paid to lie to people
If you’re not supposed to have sex in an elevator, why are the ceilings mirrored?
Now security is showing me out.
Me: Here we stand before the ashes of sacrifice laid down by your ancestors.
Wife: Will you stop talking to the charcoal and clean the stupid grill
me: oh, I have a great ide…
wife: no
NO MATTER HOW MANY ALIENS BIT SCULLY SHE STUCK TO HER GUNS LIKE “NO THESE ARE SCIENCE BITES”. KINDA GOTTA RESPECT THAT.
Classic German Shepherd 馃槀
[Ghost flies in while I’m changing my top]
GHOST: Booooooo-OH sorry
ME: It’s fine, go on
GHOST: [shielding eyes] No I’ll come back later
Me on the toilet: HEY I NEED SOME TOILET PAPER
6: *running around dressed like a mummy* we’re all out
Kids’ clothes really need clearer labels stating when they are made of “scratchy stuff” or the printed size is “not true” or they are “too purple.”
breakfast: black coffee, overnight oats with sunflower & pumpkin seeds
lunch: lentil soup with carrots and onions, zero calorie vitamin water
dinner: 11 beers, net of babybel cheeses and cigarettes also
me: I’m going to build a time machine
him: *eating the last donut* what you gonna use it for
me: *eating the last donut* righting wrongs
Why is it when you tell someone you had a dream about them they assume sex? Like no dude, I killed you
Trying a thing where I convince my boss today is Friday. Wore jeans, asked about her weekend plans, emailed her the Friday cafeteria specials & wished her a great weekend. Happy Friday everyone!
87% of parenting is yelling, “DON’T MAKE ME COME IN THERE,” from a different room.
If you鈥檝e never told a cop that pulled you over for doing 88mph or higher that you are a time traveler then have you ever really even tried to get out of a ticket
Airport beers are great because it means you are traveling and also that you hate your own money