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5: let’s play the quiet game.
Me: Okay
5: ready..? Start.
Me:
5:
Me:
5: whoever talks first is the loser.
The pinnacle of parenthood is when you switch to Chuao Chocolatier Spicy Maya Dark Chocolate Bars, because you know the kids won’t touch them.
Sometimes you think you only have one cat but after you stay home a week you find you have two that look alike.
Me, yelling my head off every day.
14 yo son: Sorry, I didn’t hear you.Pizza delivery driver exhales at front door two floors down from bedroom.
14 yo: Pizza’s here.
My kid’s insults to each other:
“you have fat lips like Momma.”
“well, you have a big butt like Momma.
Thanks, kids.
Traveled back to 1918 and accidentally called it World War One.
How come those cross species adoption videos are always cats or dogs raising baby birds? Just once I’d like to see a hawk enthusiastically barfing into a kittens mouth.
jesus, what did this guy do
I’m inventing a new holiday where you take back one gift you previously gave someone.
Me: Like Icarus, I flew too close to the sun.
Wife: You singed your eyebrows using the deep fryer. Again.
I didn’t want to use the word “Orwellian” in a tweet until I was confident that I could use it properly, so here goes: Orwellian would be a cool name for a horse.
I went the wrong way down the grocery store aisle and you’d think I was looking at a 10 year prison sentence with the way Karen reacted.
Update: Gingerbread men are actually incredibly slow and delicious
Die Hard is a Valentine’s Day movie.
I’ve only been eating 6 spiders instead of 8 every year so I’ll have plenty for retirement.
[Spelling bee]
“Your word is DEFLECTION”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“Can YOU use it in a sentence?”
You must first feel comfortable in someone else’s skin before you can feel comfortable in your own.
–Psycho Therapy
Do you have any motivational books?
Yeah, they’re in the back.
(long pause) Do you have any that are closer?
Husband: Should we hit the gym today?
Me: *drawing pumpkin eyes with a Sharpie on my stomach* What?
#ImNotWorriedCuz I’ve got a license
I’m sticking to my guns.
I really should have washed my hands after I ate.
My wife got four more Christmas presents for the dog than she did for me.
I preface this by stating that I love my local library but, seriously, how difficult would it be for them to add a bar? Nothing fancy – just a few spirits, domestic beer. But oh no, apparently there are ‘other places’ better suited to accommodate such things!
Just spilled water on my laptop so now I’m hanging it out on the clothesline.
My vocabulary can beat your vocabulary’s ass, arse, bum, buttocks, rear end, booty, backside, tush, tuckus and badonkadonk.
My sister FaceTimed me this morning and I answered hungover and obviously not looking the best and all she did was start laughing really hard at my face and then goes “ugh thank you I needed that!” then just hung up
me: hmm…that’s a real head-scratcher…I don’t know there are significant pros and cons to each choice…maybe I should make a spreadsheet and do a cost analysis…
netflix, impatiently: dude, just pick something already
freezing my eggs so i can chuck em at his house later
You can add “cha cha cha” to any sentence you want without explaining yourself. Nobody really appreciates this.
Fun fact: The worst time to suffer a heart attack is while playing charades.