I find it odd that when someone dies we refer to them as late, my late Aunt Polly. Aunt Polly isn’t late, she’s not coming.
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Siri’s on her period. she needs an iPad
*making cookies with 3*
Me: Santa will love these!
3:
Me: we need to leave some cookies out for Santa
3:
Me:
3: just one.
Me: You’re going to disagree with this statement.
Wife: No I’m not.
Maybe pack emergency supplies and not thirty-five different steam punk outfits next time.
no one will tell you this but the secret to looking hot in photos is looking hot in real life
my dad: in the end. i hope people don’t even notice i was here
me: i hate camping too
My teen is in an outdoor class where they take the kids fishing and the catch of the day goes home with the lucky student. You can only imagine how proud I was to see my son victoriously running to the car at pickup holding up a large rubber boot
Friend 1: I love dry shampoo; it’s so simple!
F2: no water
F3: no chemicals
Me: Your hair is filthy.
End of date
Me: I’ve been waiting for this moment all night
Him: *closes eyes and leans in for a kiss
Me: *honks horn as I speed away *
There’s a whole world of people out there!
*closes the door*
Frankenstein was 90% about someone making up a guy and then getting mad at him
Sue: I’m off to the hairdressers, what sort of cut would make me look beautiful? *giggles*
Stan: A power cut.
I did it once by accident and now I have to say I love you to my daughter’s boyfriend every time he leaves
reduce, reuse, recycle
Texting is a brilliant way to miscommunicate how you feel, and misinterpret what other people mean.
[red carpet] “So Ryan, who are u with tonight?”
Ryan Gosling [proudly] “My parents”
[two geese in black tie nervously shuffle to his side]
I bet that at some point in history a baby ate a dingo.
[at work party]
Hey Bill…weird, have you always been a scotch guy?
Bill (eating directly from tape dispenser): I stick with it.
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP*looking for condom in my “Beat It” zipper jacket*
[getting murdered]
“Listen, I make a badass grilled cheese if this can wait?”
I love how Men’s bathing suits sometimes have that tiny pocket where you can hold two quarters, just in case you’re paying to get on the Ferris Wheel in 1922
Kind of jealous of how a horse can strap a meal to its face.
Reasons to carry a handkerchief:
3) You’ve never heard of tissues
2) You’re doing a magic trick
1) You’re hiding your face to rob a train
Cop: Are you high?
Me *riding an ostrich* holy shit I hope so
my wife: they don’t want you to bring anything to thanksgiving dinner
me, right in the middle of making turkey flavored ice cream: why not?
My toxic trait is my personality or so I’ve been told.
Husband: Honey, is it called an octopus because it has eight pu-
Wife: No
I just danced in front of my cat and he yawned.
True story.
a lot of people afraid to put in hard work but I make my living the way my grandfather did and his grandfather before him. selling the same pigeon to the same guy over and over again because it keeps flying back to me.
i’m having this made into a welcome mat