Cosmetology school was a real letdown. Anyone wanna buy a spacesuit?
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So that old avocado in the fruit bowl was actually a rolled up green sock & now I’m freaking out because I’ve already served the guacamole.
GF: I’m moving out if you don’t stop pretending you work at a supermarket.
ME: Ok. Do you need any help with your packing?
[WOLF CUB] Dad, why do we howl at the moon?
[WOLF DAD] Well son, the moon is made of cheese and that’s rad as hell
Hurt my hand so now I tweet exclusively with one of those text to speech things comma I think it’s going well full stop send tweet no don’t type that send tweet I said send tweet are you shouting at your phone nobody asked you rebecca wait no don’t send that
None of my Barbies are speaking to each other because Ken got Skipper pregnant again. You can imagine the tension in my house tonight.
My toxic trait is that I answer “spam likely” calls, because maybe I can fix them.
Me: My Amazon order arrived!
Him: What did you get?
Me: *scratches behind dragon’s ears* Nothing important.
Him: New happy pills?
Me: Maybe.
It’s a bird.
It’s a plane.
No its…“Steve, you’re fired. Air traffic control just isn’t for you.”
I pulled my Power Washer out not because anything really needed cleaning but because you may as well have some fun while your quarantined. Related, my neighbor is soaked.
College was the most expensive video-streaming service in last 2 years
My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.
8YR OLD: dad, can we get pizza for dinner tonight?
ME: aw sweetie, I’m sorry…I had pizza for lunch
8: you think I give a damn what you had for lunch?
Still disappointed that a goblet is just a cup and not a miniature goblin.
I’m as nervous as a United Airlines standby passenger.
In high school I did a book report presentation on a book about Vanna White. I made a poster board with a puzzle underneath sheets of paper and had the class call out letters until they solved it. The puzzle was, “This presentation gets a A.” So, no, I wasn’t one of the cool kids
They say milk is good for your teeth..you know what else is good for your teeth..minding your own damn buisness
Did you hear that John Travolta might have the coronavirus? He has chills that were multiplying.
I’ll see myself out.
my perfume shop will have selections like eau de fresh bread, eau de sizzling bacon or eau de piping hot coffee
everyone is motivated by something different. for some folks it’s money, for others it’s a paycheck. some people are even motivated by cash hitting their bank account. others do it for the love of getting paid.
9 called to ask how much bleach it takes to get purple ink out of carpet and because she’s so cute and at her dad’s I went with all of it!
People say “life’s a journey, not a destination,” because the destination is death. The journey sucks too. Anyway, to the bride and groom!
Excited for Game of Thrones tonight because it’ll be nice to see civilized political discourse for a change.
My Ex told me once that more people would like me if I buttered them up, but in real people ran away when I step towards them with a butter knife.
I can help anyone quit smoking by spraying them with hair spray as they light their cigarette.
9yo: Can I have McDonald’s for supper?
Me: Let me think about it
9yo: *gives me a hug*
9yo: Did that help?
I told her she’s prettier than soup without her knowing how many quality soups I’ve encountered.
The kindergarten people are so short
-my kid, after one day of being a first grader
I put my earbuds on just like everybody else. Frantically as someone approaches.
Finally going to watch Titanic, no spoilers please.
The children of the corn are probably the grandparents of the corn now. Like “no Billy Bob, only kill him a little, grandpa’s got enough for the blood sacrifice”