Jan 1st: Avocado on whole grain toast with a protein shake
Jan 20th: Syrup comes from a tree so technically it’s a vegetable
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Thinking outside the box.. 😅
“Alcohol is just water with feelings in it,” said the girl who failed chemistry.
Before I die I want to be chased through the back of a Chinese restaurant.
me: i love pillow talk
pillow: hello
me: what the hell
Wife: When lock down is over, we should take the family out
Me: *Sharpening knife* Good idea, I’ve always hated Uncle Geoff
If my kids knew there was a light in the oven, they’d leave that one on too.
Kids, we can go to the pet expo BUT WE ARE NOT GETTING ANY ANIMALS. WE ALREADY HAVE A DOG
*leaves with two lizards, a fish & a baby giraffe
Setting my phone on do not disturb because I’m about to eat nachos and want zero interruptions.
*flashes smile*
*smile calls police*
If you come home n your dog gives you a lecture about smoking pot, you probably should lay off the acid too.
Why is it called ‘Your Bowels’ and not ‘Your Instinks’
I do, however, think Starbucks should arrest people who are just pretending to write.
i actually have good reason to shoot the messenger. for one, i do NOT like what he’s telling me
*at the end of a 3 day weekend*
Me: I will miss the kids when they go back to school tomorrow, I wish we had more time
The universe: here is a snow delay
Me: no, not like that
The worst part about insomnia is having to eat spiders while conscious
Me *googling* are people who steal ducks called abducktors or kidquackers?
FBI agent monitoring me: *reaching for whiskey* Jesus Christ
[Trying to hire a hitman]
“Yes, I’d like to buy one murder please.”
[interview at Bass Pro Shops]
So, tell me a little about yourself.
Me: *dressed in camouflage* Wait, you can see me?!
i will email myself something and then immediately stress once i hear the email notification bc i already forgot :/
I’m pretty anal when it comes to organizing my house.
Like how I slid in “anal”?
Like how I said “slid in anal”?
2020 feels like trying to jog while both of your feet are asleep.
[Zombie Apocalypse]
Him: Pack your go-bag. No nonessentials.
Me: KMascara
Record player
Albums
Like 4 of his hoodies
Vodka
Charger
Katana
800 thread count sheets
Books
Cheese*dies*
Raise your arms and run through the police crime scene tape like you’re finishing a marathon.
Find yourself a partner who’ll sneak out of bathroom windows with you at holiday parties.
If I ever meet you and you don’t look anything like your avi,you’re buying drinks for me until you do
*destroys head of lettuce*
*becomes new ruler of all lettuces*
Um, products that have seals that read, “Do not use if seal is missing,” how are we supposed to know that a seal is missing if it’s missing?
Nothing says “I’m stubborn” like owning a BlackBerry in 2013.
“Compassionate capitalism” is when they use phrases like “I see you, I hear you, I feel you” before they begin the wage theft
If you lift up the handle on the car door at the same time I’m trying to unlock it more than two times, I’m driving off without you.